WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama announced today that, since the midterm elections are over, he has grown a Hitler mustache just to fuck with the Tea Party. 

“How do you like me now, Ted Cruz? Ooooo I’m scaaaary aren’t I?” asked President Obama in front of a crowd of reporters in the White House Briefing Room. “I just don’t give a fuck anymore about this bipartisan bullshit,” he added.

VATICAN CITY—In a shocking turn of events, Pope Benedict XVI has revealed that his resignation is due to a group of cardinals discovering that contrary to his claims, Benedict never served in the Hitler Youth as a boy.

“His Holiness knew that he would never be granted the opportunity to serve as the Servant of the Servants of God without some form of Hitler Youth experience on his record,” said Benedict, who was known as Joseph Ratzinger before his time as Supreme Pontiff. “So His Holiness exaggerated a bit.”