Vatican City, VC

  Pope Francis has announced that the Catholic Church will officially support its members taking Johnson and Johnson’s one-shot COVID-19 vaccine, despite its name. Though it has long been speculated that famously progressive pontiff would support all vaccination efforts, his reasoning for encouraging the shot’s use was quite unexpected.

In light of Pope Francis’s recent interview with several Jesuit publications, in which he condemned the Church’s intense focus on homosexuality, contraception, and other social issues at the expense of core teachings, Catholics worldwide are dismayed to find themselves without a valid excuse not to go to Sunday Mass.

Following his resignation on February 28^th, Pope Benedict the XVI will host a multi-million dollar function, to be known as “The Pope-a-palooza MMXIII,” in celebration of the completion of his pontificate. The event will feature solemn reflection, group prayer, and cake strippers.