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Jimmy Carter Announces He's Still Alive

President Carter confirms his pulse's continuity.
ATLANTA, GA-- At a Carter Center press conference in Atlanta on August 20, former President Jimmy Carter confirmed that he is in fact still alive.
“Yep, here I am,” said President Carter. “In the flesh.”
Carter’s announcement was met with shock and confusion from the public.
“What are you talking about?” said Cambridge resident Henderson Pierce. “Jimmy Carter died in, like 2004. It was on TV and stuff.”
“Actually that was Reagan. Reagan died in 2004,” responded Carter. “Can you believe I outlived Ronald Reagan? Who's the Gipper now, Ronnie?!”
On the Harvard University campus, Carter’s announcement was met with similar bewilderment.
“It definitely comes as a surprise to me,” said Annie Simms ’18. “Carter hasn’t had a hit since ‘Another Earthquake!’ Man, I love that song!”
“Are you serious? That was Aaron Carter,” President Carter reportedly responded. “I brokered the Camp David Peace Accords. I single-handedly eradicated Guinea Worm. Does no one remember that?”
President Barack Obama issued a statement regarding Carter’s announcement. “We will collectively mourn the loss of President Carter at next week’s state funeral,” wrote Obama. “His passage of the Civil Rights Act was a great leap forward for minority rights in America.”
“What? I just gave a press conference. Only living people can do that,” said Carter. “I am still alive.”
President Carter's casket will lie in state on Wednesday, August 26, at the U.S. Capitol.
Image source: Wikimedia

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