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Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped Under Snowdrift

Lapp, whose current location is unknown and hypothermia inducing.

According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath a snowdrift.

“Dear members of the Harvard community,” reads the email, which was sent over the campus-notify email list, “While monitoring the severe weather currently in effect in the Cambridge area, I tripped on a submerged bottle of Honest Tea and soon found myself face down on the ground with snow rapidly accumulating on top of me.  Before I knew it, the sky and my surroundings had completely disappeared from view, replaced by the dark, frigid dampness of a wintry grave.”

Lapp, who supervises the financial, administrative, human resources, campus services, planning and project management, development in Allston, health services, information technology, and diversity functions of the University, allegedly hollowed out a makeshift burrow underneath the precipitation, in which she discovered several discarded items to employ for her survival, such as a HUDS tray, a copy of the Independent, and a statistics TF.  She was successfully able to send out the email from her phone before it short-circuited from the moisture.

“We will continue to closely monitor the forecast,” added Lapp in her email.  “Should weather conditions warrant schedule changes, we will distribute information through MessageMe and email.  Updates will also be posted to the Harvard Emergency page and 866-496-NEWS.”  The message was promptly sent again by the FAS Emergency Notification System and by Leslie Kirwan, Dean for Administration and Finance at the Faculty of Arts and Sciences.  However, most students admit that they first learned of Lapp’s predicament on CNN.
Although the Executive Vice President forgot to mention her exact location at the time of her burial, Harvard authorities are undergoing an extensive and thorough search by walking around the campus, periodically jamming shovels into the ground, and shouting “Katie!” 

© 2014