Following a disappointing meeting last week with University President Drew Faust regarding a $250,000 increase in funding for student organizations, a spiritually disillusioned President Gus Mayopoulos has allegedly found renewed hope for humanity and Harvard in the teachings of The Church of the Helix.

Mayopoulos—who has been watching the online social experiment “Twitch Plays Pokémon” twenty-six hours a day since discovering The Stream—surprised friends and constituents alike with his quick turnaround from existential malaise into transcendent bliss.

Let me tell you about some of my heroes and why they should work together. 

The Crimson, which published a recent article on UC Presidential and Vice-Presidential candidates Gus Mayopoulos and Sam Clark, is Harvard’s oldest student-run publication.  It was founded in 1873, you most likely know it from articles such as “Harvard-Allston Task Force Debates Community Benefits Priorities”, “Allston Residents Divided on Benefits Package”, “The Benefits Package Unpacked”.