Cambridge, MA—“Young ladies, young men,” began the first message from the newly appointed Dean of Pleasant E-mails. Spare Change Newspaper vendor Gregory Daugherty—a longtime fixture of Harvard Square—was elected unanimously to be the inaugural holder of the position.  “Would you like to read the Dean’s weekly e-mail today?” the message continued, “Don’t be shy. Young man. Young lady.”

On October 31, Donald Pfister, Dean of the College and star of the hit Broadway musical Little Shop of Horrors, reported several spooky events occurring in his Harvard Office.

“Oh yeah, sure, there’s lots of creepy things going on,” said the Asa Gray Professor of Systematic Botany.  “Do you want some candy before I get started?  Maybe a Tootsie Roll or something?”

While the Gov 1310 cheating scandal has continued for nearly as long as the Syrian civil war, Harvard administrators remain unwilling to tackle the problem head-on, citing the disaster that followed the 2003 takeover of the Philosophy Department, where suspected methods of mass cheating were sought, but never found. However, according to Donald Pfister, the new Dean of the College and Herbology professor, the administration is now keeping close tabs on the developments.