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Harvard

Area Student has Strict Bedtime of “I Don’t Give a Shit” O’Clock

Man sleeping in bed

CAMBRIDGE, MA-After rigorous enforcement of the virtual sleep-training, administered by Harvard to teach undergraduates about the sleep they already knew they were missing, Raymond Lambert ’20 has decided to set a strict bedtime of “I Don’t Give a Shit” o’clock. A Harvard College Scholar, joint history and anthropology concentrator, as well as an accomplished violinist, Lambert claims this new bedtime is the secret to his success.

Friend’s Spotify Wrapped Reveals She’s Into Some Kinky Shit

Spotify Wrapped page

 CAMBRIDGE, MA – Katie McGovern ’22 posted her Spotify Wrapped on Facebook yesterday, only to shock her online following with an unexpectedly erotic taste in music.

“Not surprised at all!!! LOL ” Katie posted alongside a list that claimed her number one song this past year was “How Many Licks?” by Lil’ Kim.   

Stat 110 releases “Joe’s Bikini Body Blitz(stein),” A Probabilistic Conditioning Program for Lean Muscle Mass

Woman in Weight Loss Commercial

Sponsored Content

Stat 110 Productions, best known for its critically-acclaimed Panopto original series “Lecture Videos” (a genre-defying dramedy staring the charismatic Joseph Blitzstein on a life-long quest to determine when the next bus home to Blissville will arrive), recently announced a bold venture into the hottest emerging market of the year: statistics-themed workout regimens.

A Win For Transparency: Harvard To Simplify Application Process, Replacing It With Series Of Riddles Told By Mystical Troll

Bridge troll
Following increased public scrutiny of Harvard’s admissions process, officials from the Harvard Admissions Committee have announced their decision to make significant changes. In an effort to increase transparency, the Committee has elected to phase out the traditional process entirely, and instead have applicants answer a series of increasingly-difficult riddles told to them by an eldritch troll.
 

Area Man with Peanut Allergy is Pissed After Finding Out What “No Nut November” Really Means

Sad Man
Tragedy struck campus Friday afternoon when peanut allergy-sufferer Perry Fox ’21 learned the true meaning of No Nut November shortly after asphyxiating in the cafeteria. 
 
“I thought this month was a movement for abstaining from public distribution of nuts and legumes in food,” he explained while brushing over the hive scars on his arms. However, his naive belief about the holiday being a noble dedication to people like him was soon shattered at the dessert table.
 

I’m Getting More Action in This Cup of Bubble Tea Than You Got in Your Freshman Year

Fruit Fly

By the fruit fly in your common room

Just because you’re in the Fly and I am a fly doesn’t give you the right to try and squash me you absolute piece of entitled human garbage. I was just trying to live my best life in the half empty can of PBR you left in your common room, but noooo I’m not “human” enough to share a space with your majesty. I’m a “pest” and “gross.” Well you know what?! At least I’m getting laid, so who’s laughing now, Brett? 

Area Senior’s Life Back on Track after Realizing Thesis Can Be Crap

Man smiling at computer

On Tuesday, area senior Tyler Stark reportedly regained control of the burning dumpster fire that had until then been his life after coming to the realization that his thesis doesn’t actually need to be good. This revelation came as a pleasant surprise to sources close to Stark, who say he has spent recent months slaving away over the project.

Report: 85% of Classroom to Table Funding Sunk into Single Giant Scone at Tatte

lemon scones

It was reported today that the Classroom to Table program, which recently ran through its budget for a third consecutive year, spent over 85% of its funding on a single giant lemon scone from the Tatte on Massachusetts Avenue. 

Vote ‘NO’ For UC President

By the Satire V Editorial Board

Although it may seem to the casual observer that there has been a lot of voting going on lately, it turns out that we haven’t had quite enough. Even after the midterms, and HoCo elections, and the last season of American Idol, which is apparently still going on, the UC election provides one more chance to make your voice heard, even though someone already won. This is why we strongly encourage you to vote ‘NO’ for UC President.

Being Gothic Isn’t A Phase, Mom.

Memorial Hall

By Memorial Hall

I know you want me to be Georgian or Federal like the other buildings in the yard, but mom, I’m Gothic, and it’s not a phase.

I like my stained glass, streaked tiles, and pointed arches! They’re edgy, mom. Gray Slate is just not me. I like being different. What happened to “the things that are different are what make you special, sweetie”? 

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