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Breaking

and entering

Harvard

Incident On Thursday

Drew G. Faust

By Drew Gilpin Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

Many of you have heard about an incident that occurred Thursday morning in lower Manhattan involving interactions between the The Goldman Sachs Group, Inc. and an esteemed university president. Many of you are understandably confused. You do not yet know all the facts. So let me tell you one: I will be able to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with Sacagawea coins and use the leftovers to buy a Six-Flags water slide.

I Understand People Are Upset, But If It Helps I Will Be Making a Lot of Money

Drew G. Faust

By Drew Faust

Dear Members of the Harvard Community, 

As many of you know, today I accepted a job sitting on the Board of Directors at Goldman Sachs. Subsequently, I have received much criticism for supposedly contradicting my statements that condemned the current state of the financial system in the United States. 

For example, I have noted that the financial crisis took a significant toll on so many, including members of our own community. But, if it makes you feel any better, I’m getting paid a fuckton amount of money. 

Area VES Student’s Final Project Is Literally a Jar of Mayonnaise

mayo
CAMBRIDGE, MA – This past month, VES concentrator Lucy D. Cho ’19 turned in a mayonnaise sculpture as her final project for VES 132R that was deemed absolutely meaningless by every single person who viewed it.

Cho conceived of her magnum opus in a local deli. She explained, “When you say, ‘Yes, I would like mayonnaise on that Black Forest ham footlong’ enough times, you really start to grasp the transgressive possibilities of this gelatinous medium."

New Harvard Initiative Encourages Professors and Undergraduates to Bond by Half-Assing Title IX Training Together

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CAMBRIDGE, MA — A new Harvard initiative will encourage professors and undergraduates to bond by half-assing the University's online Title IX training together. 

Provost Alan M. Garber ’76 and Executive Vice President Katie N. Lapp announced the initiative on Thursday, shortly after informing faculty members that they will be required to complete Harvard's online sexual and gender-based harassment training in the fall.
 

Lowell Bell Just Looking to Get Banged

Lowell House aerial
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Area percussion instrument Lowell Bell has not peeped a sound in almost a year. After yet another night spent alone, silent on her perch above Mount Auburn Street, Bell has confessed that she just wants to get banged.
 
"At this point, I'd be game for a one-night stand with anyone ap-pealing enough," said Bell. "A massive dong would be nice."

Infuriatingly Perfect Acquaintance Gets You Birthday Gift, so Now You Have to Send Her a Thank-You Note or Some Shit

woman
CAMBRIDGE, MA — Reports surfaced on Wednesday that Jessica E. Serrano '18, your maddeningly genuine acquaintance, not only remembered your birthday but also purchased a small gift to demonstrate her affection. That bitch. Finding something to send back to her so that you don't seem like a total dick is going to be such a headache.
 

In Bid for Relevance, HUDS Introduces Millennial Pink Spice Chicken

chicken
THE DINING HALLS — In a clear bid for relevance, Harvard University Dining Services announced on Friday the addition of a new entree item, Millennial Pink Spice Chicken. Building on the popularity of Red Spice Chicken, HUDS will roll out the dish for lunches next semester.
 
"The internet told us that millennial pink is what the kids are into these days," said one HUDS chef. "When we find something that students seem to like, we take it and run as far as we can with it. That's why we started community night when that NBC show hit it big."
 

Area Friend Remembers that You, Too, Have Finals

two girls sitting in a dorm room
In what has been heralded as exemplary maintenance of an interpersonal relationship, area friend Veronica S. Ware '19 recently realized that you, her best friend and roommate, are also experiencing exams period right now.
 
This moment, in which Ware dipped her toe into the realms of “compassion” and “empathy," arrived after you walked into the room at 2:34 a.m. with your backpack on a Saturday night. Ware asked what you had been up to, and you replied, "Working."
 

McKinsey-Bound Senior Sells Soul in Senior Sale

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CAMBRIDGE, MA — On Tuesday, Katherine E. Paisley ’18, who will be working for McKinsey & Company after graduation, announced over the Eliot House email list that she is selling her soul as part of her senior sale.

Paisley detailed the condition of the soul in a handy, 18-page PDF that she attached to the email: “Originally a small, shrank in the consulting recruitment process, now fits like an XXS. Gently used. Useful for some Ethical Reasoning courses.”

She added, "$7 OBO." No juniors have responded yet, as most would need to get rid of it come fall.

Inspirational: Student Gets Through Entire Reading Period Without Reading

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CAMBRIDGE, MA — Area hero Alex E. Wilkins '20 has accomplished a remarkable feat: The Government concentrator managed to get through all of reading week without reading a single thing.

“There were a few times I came close to reading words,” said Wilkins, a legend in our midst. “On Wednesday, I absentmindedly picked up my Ec textbook. But my body reacted to the touch of an academic resource by immediately puking, alerting me to my mistake. It took me a good four episodes of The Office to calm down."

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