Members of the Jewish population across the United States and Canada expressed their outrage at having to watch the Universal Pictures biodrama Unbroken this Christmas, in the wake of reports that Sony cancelled the release of The Interview due to threats from the North Korean government.
Cambridge, MA—For the past two weeks, an interdimensional entity has been attempting to warn local student John Reyes of humanity’s impending doom by tapping out really loud and annoying messages on his radiator. Using a combination of binary and Morse, the entity has conveyed long and complex algorithms that would allow humanity to escape the bounds of our solar system and find salvation in a distant Earth analog
Following hacks of sensitive information and unsubstantiated empty threats to turn Sony Pictures and every movie theater in America into a “sea of flames rivaled only by Tartarus itself”, President Barack Obama earlier today signed an oath of allegiance to Kim Jong-Un.
Pyongyang, North Korea – Kang Soo-Kyoh, a thirty-three year old computer hacker employed by the North Korean government, blinked slowly three times earlier today before removing his glasses, cleaning them on his shirt, and replacing them on his face in order to squint at the headlines filling his Google News feed.
“Jesus H. Kim,” said Kang, “That actually worked.”