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Star Wars Episode VII: Force Awakens, Presses Snooze Button
Pyongyang, North Korea – Kang Soo-Kyoh, a thirty-three year old computer hacker employed by the North Korean government, blinked slowly three times earlier today before removing his glasses, cleaning them on his shirt, and replacing them on his face in order to squint at the headlines filling his Google News feed. “Jesus H. Kim,” said Kang, “That actually worked.”
Pyongyang, North Korea – Kang Soo-Kyoh, a thirty-three year old computer hacker employed by the North Korean government, blinked slowly three times earlier today before removing his glasses, cleaning them on his shirt, and replacing them on his face in order to squint at the headlines filling his Google News feed. “Jesus H. Kim,” said Kang, “That actually worked.”
Congress is set up to vote on a proposal to address grand jury reform that, according to Congressman James Beam (R-OH), is "a series of quick, easy fixes for a justice system that clearly isn't broken."
New York City—In a year characterized by rising international tensions, a United Nations Secret Santa aimed at building international cooperation only exacerbated the rifts between various countries.

Harvard

Cambridge, MA—For the past two weeks, an interdimensional entity has been attempting to warn local student John Reyes of humanity’s impending doom by tapping out really loud and annoying messages on his radiator. Using a combination of binary and Morse, the entity has conveyed long and complex algorithms that would allow humanity to escape the bounds of our solar system and find salvation in a distant Earth analog

Region

In a development that has generated responses from your childhood friends as varied as “Wait, who?” and “Oh, him,” a recent bout of Facebook stalking has revealed that Stewart Benson, who, when he was five years old, drank out of a bottle of Elmer’s on a semi-regular basis, is currently enjoying life far more than you are.

U.S.

Congress is set up to vote on a proposal to address grand jury reform that, according to Congressman James Beam (R-OH), is "a series of quick, easy fixes for a justice system that clearly isn't broken."

World

Pyongyang, North Korea – Kang Soo-Kyoh, a thirty-three year old computer hacker employed by the North Korean government, blinked slowly three times earlier today before removing his glasses, cleaning them on his shirt, and replacing them on his face in order to squint at the headlines filling his Google News feed. “Jesus H. Kim,” said Kang, “That actually worked.”

Opinion

Image credit: http://realchristianmcqueen.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/blonde-coffee-girl-latte-macchiato-longhair-favim-com-262308.jpg
Pumpkin Lattes are Basic as Fuck: vs. Pumpkin Lattes are a Nectar of the Gods:

Everything Else

Just how unexpected was the Giants’ run to World Series glory? A study by the Satire V Statistics Bureau found that approximately 100% of teams who win Game 7 of the World Series go on to capture that year’s World Series Championship.