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Breaking News

Star Wars Episode VII: Force Awakens, Presses Snooze Button
“Was this primal gesture of acknowledgement directed towards myself? In which case, I should probably respond equivalently to further this social connection.”
Professional networking site LinkedIn and dating app Tinder announced today that the two firms had merged in order to provide users with the "ultimate fusion of work and play."
“Was this primal gesture of acknowledgement directed towards myself? In which case, I should probably respond equivalently to further this social connection.”
Members of the Jewish population across the United States and Canada expressed their outrage at having to watch the Universal Pictures biodrama Unbroken this Christmas, in the wake of reports that Sony cancelled the release of The Interview due to threats from the North Korean government.

Harvard

Cambridge, MA—For the past two weeks, an interdimensional entity has been attempting to warn local student John Reyes of humanity’s impending doom by tapping out really loud and annoying messages on his radiator. Using a combination of binary and Morse, the entity has conveyed long and complex algorithms that would allow humanity to escape the bounds of our solar system and find salvation in a distant Earth analog

Region

“Was this primal gesture of acknowledgement directed towards myself? In which case, I should probably respond equivalently to further this social connection.”

U.S.

The sun never sets on the Democratic People's Empire unless previously authorized.
Following hacks of sensitive information and unsubstantiated empty threats to turn Sony Pictures and every movie theater in America into a “sea of flames rivaled only by Tartarus itself”, President Barack Obama earlier today signed an oath of allegiance to Kim Jong-Un.

World

Pyongyang, North Korea – Kang Soo-Kyoh, a thirty-three year old computer hacker employed by the North Korean government, blinked slowly three times earlier today before removing his glasses, cleaning them on his shirt, and replacing them on his face in order to squint at the headlines filling his Google News feed. “Jesus H. Kim,” said Kang, “That actually worked.”

Opinion

Image credit: http://realchristianmcqueen.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/blonde-coffee-girl-latte-macchiato-longhair-favim-com-262308.jpg
Pumpkin Lattes are Basic as Fuck: vs. Pumpkin Lattes are a Nectar of the Gods:

Everything Else

Professional networking site LinkedIn and dating app Tinder announced today that the two firms had merged in order to provide users with the "ultimate fusion of work and play."