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Area Man Unsure Whether Drastic Action Necessary Against Golgamor, Eater of Worlds

Global warming

WASHINGTON, DC — Area man Mike Jacobson pondered aloud the necessity of drastic action in his home office yesterday, as the monstrous shadow of Golgamor, Eater of Worlds, Bringer of Death, Crusher of a Thousand Stars, began to eclipse the sun. 

As the ground began to quake with the footsteps of the primordial superbeing now exhumed from His resting place beneath the sands of time, Jacobson wondered whether it was worth the risk to pursue an extreme plan of action.

Area Soft Boi Has No Intention Of Cuffing Anything Besides His Pants This Valentine’s Day

BOSTON, MA- Resident soft boy Artemis Flores announced this Thursday that he has absolutely no intent on cuffing an actual person this February, opting to hone his pants cuffing technique instead.

Boston Duckboats Rebrand as Full-Time Championship Parade Vehicles

BOSTON, MA–  Citing the 11,000 championships in the past 18 years won by the city’s 4 major sports teams, Boston Duck Tours CEO Sheila Donahue announced on Tuesday the company's decision to operate exclusively for championship parades. 

Area Mother Theresa Graciously Gifts Half-Eaten Bag of Pretzels to Secret Santa

PLEASANTVILLE, NY— Blatantly disregarding the recommended price range of $10 - $15, area Mother Theresa Jack Anderson graciously gifted his Secret Santa a half-eaten bag of Rold Gold® Original Tiny Pretzels, which he reportedly picked up at a CVS 10 minutes before the gift exchange, then ate on the way over.

One by one, gift exchange participants unwrapped their items to reveal heartwarming presents ranging from homemade snickerdoodles to custom pajama sets and Sims 4. But when it was Molly Smith's turn, everyone was blown away by Jack’s charitable giving. 

Area Man Works Up Courage to Select ‘No Tip’ At Coffee Shop

PORTLAND, OR — After several agonizing attempts to refuse paying more money than he has to, area man Max Reynolds finally summoned up enough courage to select the ‘No Tip’ option on the iPad at the pay counter of his local coffeeshop. 

Progressive Win! This High Schooler Only Gives Hand Jobs in the Gender-Neutral Bathroom

A girl with thumbs up outside a gender neutral bathroom

NAPERVILLE NORTH HIGH SCHOOL, ILLINOIS — In a bold act of social justice, local quickie connoisseur Becky Jackson announced via ask.fm that she will now exclusively give hand jobs in her high school’s new gender-neutral bathroom.

When asked about it at lunch the next day, the modern-day bell hooks said, “It’s 2018—Social change is all around us. Some hands write laws, other hands hold protest signs, and other hands generously jack off people of all genders.” 

Marxist Refuses to Go Down on Girlfriend, Citing 'No Ethical Consumption Under Capitalism'

Man with beard

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — On Monday NYU PhD. candidate Mark P. Flannigan was forced to flee his communal living space after declining to reciprocate oral sex with  long-term partner Alyssa M. Hale, citing "no ethical consumption under capitalism." 

Man Secretly Enjoys Sitting in Warm Fumes of His Own Fart

A generic stock photo of a man

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Trembling with the strain of clenching his quivering buttcheeks together, Mike Dawkins anxiously waited until his roommates left for the pizza shop before unleashing an ungodly build-up of flatulence Tuesday night. 

Area Man Can't Figure Out Untranslated Italian Menu Items

menu

McKEESPORT, PA – Folding and refolding his white cloth napkin in his lap, area man John P. Stevens tried on Tuesday to order something really good at an Italian restaurant but could not figure out the untranslated menu items.

“Okay, let’s see here," said Stevens, fixing the collar of his plaid shirt and unsheathing his mobile phone from its place on his belt. "We’ve got pappardelle pancetta and campanelle with soppressata. Is that a type of espresso or something? Why do they have the desserts grouped up here with the entrées?"

Area Woman Can Only Find Validation in iPhone's Hand Emojis

emoji hands

AT THE INTERSECTION OF TECHNOLOGY AND LOW SELF-ESTEEM – Speaking to reporters while texting herself little thumbs-ups, local woman Jane S. Etter confirmed on Monday that she only finds validation in the hand section of her iPhone’s emoji keyboard.

“I used to turn to people for affirmation,” said Etter. “But people disappoint. Friends spell your name wrong, boyfriends break up with you, and professors tell you that your midterm paper is so uninspired that it would have been better if you’d just done some light plagiarizing.”

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