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This Woman Is So Chill, She is Frozen and Dead of Hypothermia

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Impressed by her consistently relaxed, carefree attitude, sources close to area woman Cate Weiss report that she is so chill she is actually frozen and dead of hypothermia.

Friends of Ms. Weiss expected her to be upset after they collectively bailed on her 21st birthday party by texting that they were “too busy” to attend. 

Complete Barbarian Promises to Download Venmo “Soon”

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After having no means of paying for dinner with his linking group at Border Cafe last Tuesday, local Cro-Magnon Gerard Green '20 reportedly said that he would download Venmo in the very near future.

The uncultured student had apparently never heard of the peer-to-peer mobile payment service that allowed for the exchange of over $17 billion in 2016. "You poor thing. How can you live like this?" questioned blockmate Sarah Chao '20, upon learning that Green was living completely unaware of this modern amenity that nearly everyone else on campus had downloaded.

Area Man Pretty Sure Mirror Off by a Few Pounds

CLEVELAND, OH -- Furrowing his brow as he took stock of his reflection in the four-by-eight mirror hanging on his wall, area man Pat Gray determined that the reflection of his naked body was definitely a few pounds above his actual weight.

“Yep,” said the 27-year-old telemarketer, shaking his head. “A few pounds off.”

After licking his finger to scrub away at an imaginary blemish on the mirror’s laser-cut glass surface, Gray was reportedly still unsatisfied with his appearance.

Local Student Discovers Meaning of the Universe, Casually Forgets Seconds Later

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Late last night, sentient life reached an important milestone when, for the first time since time began, a thinking being discovered the true essence of the Universe. The being in question, Harvard sophomore Jordyn Lythgoe, then promptly forgot about it and resumed browsing Reddit.

Area Man Will Have What You’re Having

BEND, OR – After careful deliberation and an exhaustive review of every item on the menu, Earl Johnson, out to lunch with you at a local diner, will just have whatever it is you’re having.

Johnson, dressed in his best Hawaiian shirt and third-best pair of cargo shorts, was presented with the menu as you were seated and opened it with gusto. His confidence soon waned, however, as he discovered the mammoth extent of the pages’ contents.

White Uncle Convinced Nephew Just Hasn't Heard The Right Racist Joke Yet

BROOKLYN, NY — Reports are in that despite previous failed attempts to lighten the dinnertime mood with prior racist jokes, local uncle Everett Smith is convinced that the next joke will finally open his nephew Steve’s eyes to the world of making fun of disadvantaged minorities. Despite his nephew’s repeated gentle, yet firm affirmations that he finds these jokes distasteful and not very funny, Everett knows deep down that once he finds the right racist joke, it will open a world of joke prejudice to him he’s currently keeping tragically bottled up.
 

Area Man Pretends He Did Not Intend To Pour That Much Syrup

Des Moines, IA– On a business trip from Green Bay, businessman Erik Benson feigned alarm when, for the second morning, he totally accidentally drowned his entire plate in maple syrup in line at the complimentary continental buffet.

“Holy moly, that came out really fast,” Benson warned no one in particular. Hurrying through the rest of the buffet, Benson proceeded to the company dining area, where he subtly adjusted his pant seam before sitting down.

Area Man Starting to Wonder If He's the Only One Who Prefers Masturbating in Private

BOSTON – Andrew Hoffman, a 32-year-old electrical engineer, is starting to wonder if he’s the only one who prefers masturbating in private.

In the wake of revelations that Louis C.K., Harvey Weinstein, and Brett Ratner all masturbated in front of nonconsenting women, Hoffman is feeling a bit worried that he totally missed the memo about how masturbation works.

“You know, I’ve always gotten off alone in my room watching porn,” said Hoffman. “Hell, I even lock the door when I jack off. Is that weird? Have I been doing it wrong for two decades?”

Area Pear Woman-Shaped

A pear in a skirt.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — After reading through the latest issue of InStyle magazine, a local pear has definitely determined that she is woman-shaped. After flipping through several pages detailing the styles and cuts that best flatter a woman-shaped body, the pear edited her wardrobe accordingly. 
 

Venomous Snakes Native to the New England Area That Aren’t Your Ex-Boyfriend Ryan

Now that the leaves have begun to change and it’s the perfect time for a hike, it’s important to review some safety measures. This is important so that if you run into a venomous snake that isn’t your ex Ryan back on Thanksgiving break, you can recognize it!

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