COMMENT SECTION—Even though your grandma gave your new profile picture a like on Wednesday, she wanted to make sure you know that you have such a pretty face, and do you really need all that makeup?

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Russell Marks, a local father of two, took absentee parenting to new heights when his wife realized that he neglected to pass any of his chromosomes onto their offspring.

“I mean, it was one thing when he missed Timmy’s first birthday party and left Lucy at the Gentlemen’s Club for five hours,” Marks’ wife Martha said. “But this is just ridiculous.”

BOSTON, MASS. — Reports surfaced on Thursday that—even though humankind has advanced to such a remarkable degree that people can go to the literal fucking moon—area man Billy P. Paulson still resets his password every time he has to get into a goddamn website.

By Your High School Nemesis

THE BLACK HOLE OF THE INTERNET—Reports surfaced on Tuesday that the only real accomplishment of Facebook's "On This Day" feature is offering you a helpful daily reminder that you were weird as fuck in middle school.

Rather than bringing back good memories or reconnecting you with old friends—the feature's intended purposes, probably—all that "On This Day" manages to do is remind you that you used to write Facebook statuses in the third person. You, a moron, would start your posts with verbs.

BOSTON, MASS.—Reports surfaced on Monday that Tara E. Weston, a local 26-year-old, is somehow still convinced that she is going to get really hot next year.

"I just have this sense that next year is going to be my year," said Weston—who said that last year, and the year before that, and the year before that—over boozy brunch with Megan L. Patterson, her token attractive friend. “I mean, I could totally be the Neville Longbottom of the muggle world, right?”

Last weekend, a local birthday celebration was graced by the impromptu vocal prowess of Katie McMichaels, who took it upon herself to sing the harmony line at the end of the “Happy Birthday” song. Mere moments after the song’s conclusion, the entire American Theatre Wing arrived to grant her a Tony Award for Best Original Score.

“We’ve never heard talent like this before. Like, ever,” said four-time Tony host Neil Patrick Harris.

WALTHAM, MASSACHUSETTS—On Sunday, crowds watched in awe as local 19-year-old Rachel E. Saunders managed to fit her entire personality into an absurdly small, bright yellow Fjällräven backpack.

“That backpack is, like, a foot tall. I have no idea how someone could fit a few modestly sized books in there, much less an entire personality,” said Waltham resident Tony P. Bailey.

NEW YORK, NY – Local woman Lauren Summers, 26, is reportedly proud of her collection of “savage” one-liners that she has prepared should she ever run into her ex.

Even though Brian moved to Los Angeles last month and is likely never returning to New York, Summers has several biting comebacks stored up just in case she sees him unexpectedly. “I haven’t seen him since he dumped me last October,” she said. “But I just know that if I ever do see him, I’ll be able to say something really clever to stick it to him.” 

New York, NY — Area schlub Matthew Oliver has slept his way to becoming his company's CEO, sources say.

Oliver reportedly fast tracked his way up the corporate ladder after purchasing a package of large frozen calzones from Costco. The giant, carbohydrate-loaded pockets of cheese, which he slightly undercooked and brought to work every day, induced an uncontrollable drowsiness that hit just before his mid-afternoon meetings.