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Area Schlub Sleeps His Way to the Top

New York, NY — Area schlub Matthew Oliver has slept his way to becoming his company's CEO, sources say.

Oliver reportedly fast tracked his way up the corporate ladder after purchasing a package of large frozen calzones from Costco. The giant, carbohydrate-loaded pockets of cheese, which he slightly undercooked and brought to work every day, induced an uncontrollable drowsiness that hit just before his mid-afternoon meetings. 

4 Flirty Emojis That’ll Make Him Say “Huh?” Because He Hasn’t Downloaded the New iOS Yet and It Showed Up as a Question Mark in a Box

So you’re texting a guy. You want to come off as flirty but also low-key but also fun. Which emoji should you throw in? These emojis are guaranteed to make him say “Wait I don’t get it” all night long—because he hasn’t downloaded the new iOS yet and your emoji showed up as a question mark in a box.

The mother cradling child emoji

1. The mother cradling her baby

Activist Win! This Woman Liked Pete Souza’s Photo on Instagram

PORTLAND, OR—In an act of #resistance that awed her friends and family, local hero Andrea Green liked Pete Souza’s photograph of former President Barack Obama on Instagram earlier this week.

Green reportedly gave the photo a quick double-tap after figuring out it was a biting criticism of President Donald Trump’s recent conduct. The photo showed Obama’s wide and friendly smile, which caused Green to make the astute point that Trump “doesn’t smile that much.”

Area Man Just Doing What He Loves

A man playing a guitar
SAN DIEGO, CA — Sources say area man Aidan May '20 is just doing what he loves. 
 
After spending an afternoon hanging out with his hometown friends, May reportedly laid in his bed for an hour practicing the guitar and listening to his favorite Michael Bublé album. Later, he drove to his local Sonic blasting Sara Bareilles' "King of Anything," feeling good about his classic vanilla milkshake and crispy chicken tenders.  
 

In Bold Move, Mom Calls You First on Her Birthday

A mother on the phone.
COLUMBUS, OH – In a move that is sending shock waves throughout your immediate family, Mom preemptively called you before you could call her on her birthday.
 
Although you intended to call to wish her a happy birthday after class ended at 3 pm– a seemingly reasonable time– reports indicate that your phone buzzed at 10:30 am, an hour before you had planned on waking up.
 

Precious Little Prince Wants Two Different Salsas on Burrito

BALTIMORE, MD--Numerous eyewitness accounts confirmed today that Joshua O'Mara, 27, who is apparently an ever-so-dignified man of the world with a palate refined beyond our wildest imaginations, ordered two different salsas on his burrito at Sonora Mexican Grill today.

Area Man Finally Thinks — Really Thinks — About Dinosaurs

A man thinks about dinosaurs
CLEVELAND, OH – Harold Daley, local Big Lots cashier, sat down on Friday to finally have a long, hard think about the beautiful behemoth reptilian kings who once roamed the Earth. Until now, Daley had somehow managed to live for 52 years without allocating a solid chunk of time to think about dinosaurs and nothing but dinosaurs.

Prior to Friday, Daley explained, “I’d seen the bones in museums, sure. But I never thought about how they were really here, skin and all. Wowee. Walking around, and doing stuff, right where I’m standing. Right at the Big Lots.”

“lol” Proves Incapable of Taking Edge Off Sentence All By Itself

CAMBRIDGE, MA - A text message that Carl P. Thompson '19 sent to his old roommate yesterday night reportedly still packs quite an emotional punch despite the usage of the acronym “lol” at the end to soften its blow. Indeed, the “lol,” far from removing the sentence’s worrisome nature, may be contributing to it.

At 1:23 a.m., Thompson texted: "I haven't been eating or sleeping well and I don't think I've had a real good day since Sharon dumped me three years ago lol," as if he were somehow capable of laughing out loud in that moment.

Area Paperclip Struggling to Hold it Together

Clippy, from Microsoft Word, bent-out-of-shape and with blood-shot eyes, next to a bottle and ash tray

AN OFFICE — Citing frustration with his workload, Samuel Steele, a paper clip in a local office building, is reportedly having difficulty holding it all together. Steele is trying to remain in good shape while simultaneously meeting the high expectations for his work performance to no avail.

“All I see every day is another giant stack of papers I have to deal with,” the clip complained. “I keep thinking, I’m too full for this sheet! But I can’t even make a dent in the paperwork."

Principal Violist of Local Orchestra Dies, Moved to Second Stand

An orchestra performing a concert

ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI — After another unfortunate incident of uncontrollable hemorrhaging from the ears while practicing, principal violist John Alberts of the Audubon Philharmonic passed away and was demoted to third chair of the section. 

“It’s truly tragedy to demote the man, but there’s nothing else we can do,” said the conductor of the orchestra. “I need a principal who can lead the section in air-bowing Stravinsky’s Firebird Suite most effectively, and his current state kinda prevents that.”

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