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I’m Not Racist, My Top Spotify Artist of 2019 was Drake

This year, I spent 23 hours making the world a better place. And it wasn’t hard—I just spent it with my best friend, Aubrey Drake Graham. I kinda just call him Drake though. And seeing that an artist of color was my go-to fix for all of 2019 has been kind of an a-woke-ning for me. Before I used to wonder if my deafening silence contributed towards the perpetuation of structural oppression. Now, because of Drake, I wonder aloud: Am I not racist because a black artist and some features were in my ears for a long time this year? Yes Indeed.

McKinsey Is An Evil, Reprehensible Corporation and I Would Never Work There (Again)

I recently came across an article shared by my friend working at Bain that McKinsey & Company, the prominent management consulting firm with global reach, helped the Trump Administration execute its ethically questionable immigration policies. McKinsey proposed cost-cutting proposals which jeopardized the health and safety of immigrants in order and were decried as too extreme by ICE staffers themselves.

Dear Valued Customer, Please Pick Up Your Fucking Prescription

By CVS

 

9:15am:

Hi, this is your local CVS pharmacy!  Your Rx order is ready for pickup. Prepay now to use Rx pickup express lane.  Thank you and see you soon!



9:17am:

Hi again!  We see it’s been two minutes since receiving our last text.  Can’t make it to the pharmacy? Simply neglecting your health?  Go to our website to sign up for home delivery! Hope to see you soon!



9:29am:

Vintage Things are Cool Now, So Why Don’t People Like Me?

 

By Lead Paint

Look. Vintage things are having a moment. In storefronts, and hipsters’ shitty shoebox apartments, all you see is retro, retro, retro. And I get it! Old stuff is edgy! But now, they’re all coming back. Polaroids. Record players. Those teeny tiny sunglasses. Everything got plucked out of the chasm of history, and is magically cool again.

Everything except me.

I Technically Have No Dietary Restrictions, But I Fucking Hate Cilantro

Cilantro
by a Sensitive Boy
 
Every year, I fill out a ton of forms for events like field trips or programs. Usually, there’s no issue, and I quickly answer my name, date of birth, and the other generic questions. My mindset is that I should put down answers on these forms that will maximize my happiness and well-being in the long run. That’s why I honestly don’t see what’s wrong with filling out “I fucking hate cilantro” on every form I receive that lists “Do you have any dietary restrictions?” as a question.

America’s Funniest Home Videos Is Better Than Sex, And I Would Know, I’ve Had a Lot of Sex

Bob Saget

by Bob Saget

I don’t know about you, but there is objectively no greater pleasure in life than seeing a mediocrely taped home video of a teenage boy wiping out on his four-wheeler while his entire family idly watches. A baby goat continually head butting himself in the mirror?  Forget about it.  A cat drinking from a water glass? Better than sex.

One may wonder what makes me, Bob Saget, qualified to deem something better than sex.  But let me tell you — it’s because I’ve had a lot of it. Like a lot.  

Prepare Ye for the Floods, As I Press Down on this Water-Saving Dual-Function Toilet Handle

It is I, your immortal and unendingly beneficent heavenly father come to thy stoop to bid thee heed a message of warning. The eve before last, I descended upon this minute sphere of thine to fulfill a godly fantasy of mine: to dine in an establishment renowned through the firmament for perfecting the mortal ambrosia. I speak, plainly, of Taco Bell. 

In Honor of Indigenous People’s Day and National Coming Out Day, I Will Be Watching Netflix’s “Tall Girl”

Tall Girl Netflix

by Someone Who Gets It

 

It’s October, and that means more than just pumpkin-spice lattes and slutty Halloween costumes. It’s National Hispanic Heritage Month, Indigenous People’s Day, and National Coming Out Day. And unlike all of you, I actually care about these social issues. That’s why I will be watching Netflix’s “Tall Girl” every day this month.

 

Feminism Means Peeing Faster Than the Men in My Life

woman peeing on carpet

by A Radical Feminist

In today’s world, feminism has many manifestations. Some ladies vie for the same positions as men and eventually become their bosses. Some grow out their armpit hair for winter warmth. Some go inside a Bass Pro Shop. But one inequality still looms large, barring us from earning the same standing as our fathers and brothers: peequality.

Speculation: Greta Thunberg Probably Walks to the Quad

Lately there’s been a lot of buzz about Swedish teenager Greta Thunberg, whose bold activism has pushed the world to take action on climate change. Thousands have listened to her powerful speech from the UN summit last Monday, and even more were touched by her decision to sail across the Atlantic to reduce carbon emissions.

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