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Leaked Draft of "My Recent Representation"

Dear Eliot hey Stephanie what’s the name of this place again Winthrop Throp Students,

I, Too, Can Fuck

Mark Zuckerberg

Stop it. Just please stop. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand. Please stop talking about how much Jeff Bezos fucks. I don’t even think the nudes are his. I’m not just saying this because the idle thought of staging an elaborate affair and leaking my own nudes to the press occurs to me at least twice daily and four times on Wednesday. What do you mean “the top of the pubic region can be seen”? Jeff Bezos has no pubic hair. Or any hair. Jeff Bezos is a naked mole rat stacked on top of three small children. 

I’m Not Racist, I Have Black Friends (That I Want to Kill)

So I know you’ve all been getting pretty worked up about some statements I made a couple days ago. But let me assure you, the whole thing was a big misunderstanding, I swear. I love black people. After white people, they’re probably my favorite race. I have so many black friends. Like at least three. Would a racist even have one black friend? You tell me. 

Why Can’t We Go Back to the Good Old Days in America, When the Life Expectancy Was 32?

Old man fisherman

You know what really bothers me? The weakness in Americans today. We used to be men, and look at us now. Just a bunch of whining babies. For example, did you know my great great grandfather had seven children, and only two of them lived past the age of three? Now that was the real America. And he only lived to be twenty five, when he broke his back while working his barren farm and got eaten by a passing bear, like a real man.

Our Sex Life Should Be Between You, Me, and My Four Roommates

girls whispering

In our social media-driven age, people are so used to broadcasting every little activity they do to the entire world. That’s fine, but when it comes to romance and intimacy, the particulars should stay private. Call me old fashioned, but I just think some things aren’t meant to be shared. So if we hook up, you can trust that no one's going to know the graphic details besides you, me, and my four roommates.

Bro, Reindeer are so Whipped by Santa

Santa and reindeer

Dude, I remember when it was me and the reindeer going out every night to the bars, just living it up, crushing brews, and talking to chicks. We were a band of brothers man, and nobody told us what to do.

I No Longer Know Where I End and Timothée Chalamet Begins

It is with a heavy heart I announce that I no longer have any idea where I end and my hero, Timothée Chalamet, begins.

It started so innocently -- I just wanted to dress, look, and behave like everyone’s favorite Oscar-nominated indie god, but I have gone too far. I cannot remember my name, the details of my own life, or any piece of information about who I was before I became a living embodiment of the very soul, personality, and physical being of Mr. Chalamet.

I Gave You So Many Milk Producing Animals and Oats Was Not One of Them

two glasses of milk

I sacrificed my one and only son for YOUR sins, and this is how you repay me??? I let it slide when you started combining pizza and pineapple, and didn’t even mind when Lays created a chicken and waffle flavored chip. In fact, I nearly support chicken fries. But this, this complete mockery of the earth I so lovingly created for you, is where I put my foot down.  

I Fasted for A Month And A Half This Yom Kippur Because I'm a Better Jew Than You, Shira

Smiling Girl in Brown Hat

Yeah, okay, maybe I don’t go to Hillel and I haven’t had Shabbat dinner since I was 12, but I also haven’t eaten since sundown on August 4th so that I can fucking repent. Take that Shira.

So what if I didn’t go to Jewish summer camp? So what if I eat cheeseburgers on a weekly basis? I have spent the last week in a hospital taking in nutrients from an IV because God commands us to fast so that we can focus on our sins. Nobody focuses like I do, Shira. One day of fasting does not a devout Jew make. Try 45, you harpy. 

If Spiders Crawl into Our Mouths While We Sleep, How Many Elephants Have Crawled into My Mouth?

elephants
By a zookeeper

I was reading up on animals the other day, as I do. And I learned that, statistically speaking, you are always within three feet of a spider, and at least eight spiders will crawl into your mouth while you sleep over the course of your lifetime.

That's pretty weird, but none of it bothered me too much. How much harm can a spider do, you know? Then I got to thinking: If eight spiders crawl into your mouth, how many other animals have poked around in there as well?
 

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