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Brexit Summary: Boris Johnson Gets the Snitch but the EU Wins

LONDON- Audiences who have been following the Brexit news will be stunned by this latest revelation: Boris Johnson is chasing the snitch, which will give his team 150 points, but ultimately hand the win to the European Union. The final score as it stands is 10-170, Europe.

Don’t Worry About Me, I Am Literally So Excited To Fucking Die

Bleached coral

by Coral Reef

Hi, it’s me, Coral Reef! No, not coal reef. C-O-R-A-L reef. I’ve been around for thousands of years protecting your coastlines and providing food and shelter for millions of organisms. Well, it’s exhausting, but thanks for asking. My exoskeleton is getting whiter and whiter. I’m getting old! The fact that the above-average temperature of the water is causing me to expel the algae in my tissue and therefore lose my beautiful color is an unrelated coincidence.

U.S. Cultural Landmarks Will Never Burn Down Because We Only Hit the JUUL

In the wake of the tragic burning of the Notre Dame de Paris Cathedral, Americans are breathing easy knowing that their cultural landmarks can never burn down because they “only hit the JUUL." 

“Now that we know that the fire did not involve foul play, I can only assume the blaze was the result of some idiot Frenchman chain-smoking too close to the Cathedral,” noted James Smith, 17. “Luckily, US cultural landmarks will never burn down because we only hit the JUUL.”

Pope to Give up Slathering Himself in Cream Cheese and Robbing Bagel Stores for Lent

VATICAN CITY -- In a press conference this past Sunday, Pope Francis stated, “Lent is a time for reflection. It is a time to face our vices, desires, and temptations. And that is why this Lent I’m going to stop slathering myself in a thick layer of smooth cream cheese and robbing local bagel stores.”

Pranked! Donald Trump Expected meeting with Kim Jong-Un, Not Crab Rangoon!

Early Thursday morning, President Donald Trump abruptly ended a summit in Hanoi, Vietnam following a stunning prank. Sources note that the President entered a meeting room expecting to be greeted by North Korea's Kim Jong-Un, but was shocked to instead find a plate of succulent, delectable crab rangoons on the table. According to bystanders, an unidentified Supreme Leader of North Korea could be heard giggling in the garden nearby. 

The Only FOMO I Have is the Fear Of McLimate O'Change

ice melting

Sharks. Heart Disease. An elderly clown fellating a banana in the Cambridge Queen’s Head Pub. I cannot deny that these things are frightening. But has your measly primate brain grasped for a singular moment the fact that the entire planet will literally die in a generation or two? Forget missing out; the only FOMO I have is the fear of McLimate O'Change. 

8 New Oscar Categories You May Have Missed

In an effort to promote diversity within the acting community, we have decided to add some additional categories to our show this year. While we cannot include all of these amazing contributions on TV, we are so excited to share the nominees with you now. 

 

Most Potential in a Film for a Quirky Sequel Title

China To Replace All Google Searches With Seductive Photos Of Xi Jinping

xi jinping

BEIJING, CHINA - In the latest escalation of its censorship policies, the Chinese government announced this morning that it had reached an agreement with Google to redirect every search result to one of 12,000 photographs of President Xi Jinping in various seductive poses and degrees of nudity.

Prince Harry and Meghan’s Unborn Child Already Planning Gruesome Murders of Entire Family for Power

pregnant belly

LONDON- Prince Harry and Duchess Megan’s unborn child is already planning to murder the entire family in order to gain access to the crown. Extensive investigative reporting found plans to first take out the Queen, then slowly machete off each royal family member in line for the throne. 

BREAKING: Queen Elizabeth II's Crown Juuls Stolen

Crown Juuls

LONDON, ENGLAND—In a scandal that is paralyzing Great Britain, Queen Elizabeth II's most valuable artifacts, the Crown Juuls, were stolen early Friday morning from their glass case in the Tower of London.

Valued at three billion dollars—or approximately 750 million Cool Cucumber Pods—this crime represents a serious loss for the British people. The security guard watching over the room blamed “lightheadedness,” noting that the Juuls were gone in a puff of smoke.

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