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Pope to Give up Slathering Himself in Cream Cheese and Robbing Bagel Stores for Lent

VATICAN CITY -- In a press conference this past Sunday, Pope Francis stated, “Lent is a time for reflection. It is a time to face our vices, desires, and temptations. And that is why this Lent I’m going to stop slathering myself in a thick layer of smooth cream cheese and robbing local bagel stores.”

Pranked! Donald Trump Expected meeting with Kim Jong-Un, Not Crab Rangoon!

Early Thursday morning, President Donald Trump abruptly ended a summit in Hanoi, Vietnam following a stunning prank. Sources note that the President entered a meeting room expecting to be greeted by North Korea's Kim Jong-Un, but was shocked to instead find a plate of succulent, delectable crab rangoons on the table. According to bystanders, an unidentified Supreme Leader of North Korea could be heard giggling in the garden nearby. 

The Only FOMO I Have is the Fear Of McLimate O'Change

ice melting

Sharks. Heart Disease. An elderly clown fellating a banana in the Cambridge Queen’s Head Pub. I cannot deny that these things are frightening. But has your measly primate brain grasped for a singular moment the fact that the entire planet will literally die in a generation or two? Forget missing out; the only FOMO I have is the fear of McLimate O'Change. 

8 New Oscar Categories You May Have Missed

In an effort to promote diversity within the acting community, we have decided to add some additional categories to our show this year. While we cannot include all of these amazing contributions on TV, we are so excited to share the nominees with you now. 

 

Most Potential in a Film for a Quirky Sequel Title

China To Replace All Google Searches With Seductive Photos Of Xi Jinping

xi jinping

BEIJING, CHINA - In the latest escalation of its censorship policies, the Chinese government announced this morning that it had reached an agreement with Google to redirect every search result to one of 12,000 photographs of President Xi Jinping in various seductive poses and degrees of nudity.

Prince Harry and Meghan’s Unborn Child Already Planning Gruesome Murders of Entire Family for Power

pregnant belly

LONDON- Prince Harry and Duchess Megan’s unborn child is already planning to murder the entire family in order to gain access to the crown. Extensive investigative reporting found plans to first take out the Queen, then slowly machete off each royal family member in line for the throne. 

BREAKING: Queen Elizabeth II's Crown Juuls Stolen

Crown Juuls

LONDON, ENGLAND—In a scandal that is paralyzing Great Britain, Queen Elizabeth II's most valuable artifacts, the Crown Juuls, were stolen early Friday morning from their glass case in the Tower of London.

Valued at three billion dollars—or approximately 750 million Cool Cucumber Pods—this crime represents a serious loss for the British people. The security guard watching over the room blamed “lightheadedness,” noting that the Juuls were gone in a puff of smoke.

Korean Peace Talks Mean Your Dumb Ass Has to Read the News for Once

newspaper

SUNNYVILLE, FL — In a shocking turn of events, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un and South Korean president Moon Jae-in started historic talks on the road to reunification and denuclearization of the Korean peninsula. While this is a big win for the 76.5 million people on the peninsula, this is a big loss for you: You dumb ass actually has to read the news for once.

Britain Accepts Clair Foy as Queen Until Charles Passes Because Fuck That Guy

Claire Foy
LONDON—Britain collectively agreed this week to pass the crown onto Clair Foy until Prince Charles passes.
 
Foy, who portrayed Queen Elizabeth II in the hit Netflix series The Crown, was one of many candidates for the role. Others included anyone who had ever appeared on The Great British Baking Show, Prince William and Duchess Kate's unborn third child, and just about any bloke on the street who did not treat Princess Diana so poorly.
 

Flat Earth Society Unable to Refute Theory that Earth Is Actually One of God’s Balls

MOREHEAD, NC — The Flat Earth Society came under fire on Tuesday when it could not disprove that the earth is actually one of God's balls.

A new theory about the divine origin of earth's roundness was published in the April edition of Planets: Educational Network for Interspace Systems. Asked for comment, Anita Thompson, the head of the Flat Earth Society’s PR team, stated, “The Flat Earth Society has long suspected that the earth is part of God’s genitalia, but we had assumed that it was a flatter portion of the reproductive organs, such as the skin of the scrotum.”

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