STRASBOURG, FR -- German historians revealed Sunday that Johannes Gutenberg, famous for his eponymous Bible, printed around a dozen copies of another text as well: his personal revision, the Straight-ble. This revision attempts to render the text without, as Gutenberg writes, “all the gay stuff.” 

Look, I really love orbiting the Earth. It’s a beautiful planet (well, was much better before you people started screwing with it). But all that aside — could we talk about this ‘gaze up at me in the night sky’ business? I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable.

WASHINGTON D.C. — After facing backlash for laying off over 3,700 part-time employees, French makeup giant Sephora is now being applauded for its pledge to donate its stockpile of facemasks to American frontline healthcare workers combatting the COVID-19 pandemic.  While no N95 masks were listed for sale on the company website, industrial grade clay, charcoal, and Himalayan salt models in durable pastel packaging were available in bulk.

NOWHERE — In an effort to halt the spread of COVID-19, the United States Department of Energy has suspended the physical realm of existence, as well as all movement through time, in all US states and territories. “This is not a decision we take lightly,” Secretary of Energy Dan Brouillete told reporters. “But the gravity of the situation calls for us to accelerate our response and act with strong force until there are absolutely zero new cases in the country.” He added, “We’re doing this out of an abundance of cation.” 

Hello, lovelies! I know this outbreak has been super stressful for all of us, so I just wanted to hop back on here to spread a message of hope to all of you: stay strong. We’re going to get through this together, I promise! And how do I know this? Well it’s because I know the key to solving this crisis: me.

by Hand Soap

Hi there. I know it’s been a while since you used me. And I know it’s been rough: you moved off campus and I’m left on the floor of your in-suite Eliot bathroom. For a while, I thought it was me. I was the problem, I was the source of your unhappiness. Then I see her. I see her ethyl-alcohol base and I can see right through her and through you. You picked hand sanitizer over me, and I’m not angry like at all. I’m just disappointed.  

by a 5th Dimensional Sprite

From the amber plains of Massachusetts to the amber plains of Vermont, as an American there is no greater joy than driving down the Pacifist Coach Highway through the beautiful tri-state DMV area. 

Take this tale from the road, if you will. On a particularly loopy zip-zap through zeta Möbius strip Town, a humble gas worker once asked me, “Would you like a burger?” Of course, I responded in kind, “For purple mountains, your majesty!” Ha ha! Classic.

1. Turn your zoom breakout session into a zoom makeout session

Remember you can’t spell quarantine without U R A Q T

2. Love is in the share

Ask to screenshare and have tabs open to “am I too good at sex” or “how to be less understanding and emotionally intelligent.” Be sure to act embarrassed, but not surprised.

3. Claim “host” ownership, then remove the professor and all the other students except your crush and pretend like it's destiny