RadioShack announced yesterday that it will close 187 stores, meaning both radios and shacks will outlive it.

The company has been around for 96 years, having spent the last 95 slowly dying. Radio has thrived for 122 years, having been a platform for the likes of Larry King and Ira Glass. Shacks have existed for the last 400,000 years, providing invaluable shelter to the entire human race.

MOSCOW – In a newly declassified report, the CIA has revealed that it successfully recruited the microwave of Sergey Naryshkin as a counterspy.

Mr Naryshkin, Vladimir Putin’s head security advisor, was apparently unaware of these efforts. The microwave, referred to by the codename "Maytag," perpetrated several successful deep-cover surveillance operations, before being inadvertently exposed by White House Counsel Kellyanne Conway.

NEW YORK, NY – At a clandestine meeting in their Manhattan penthouse headquarters, members of a secret cabal working towards total control of global political and financial systems were puzzled at how easy it was to manipulate the majority of the world’s population into unwittingly aiding the group’s wicked machinations.

MELBOURNE - For the first time in years, the two best men’s tennis players of all time battled it out in a final: Roger Federer defeated Rafael Nadal at the Old Timers’ 30-and-up USTA 5.0 Circuit Championship.

Let me paint you a picture. I’m going for my bi-monthly afternoon jog when suddenly, it’s pitch black. I’m disoriented, and I accidentally run off the road into a rose bush. I’m stuck there for three hours. All because the sun decided it was "cool" to set before dinnertime. Why the fuck do we even have a sun if it’s just gonna drop like a sack of potatoes at 4pm?

VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis recently had the honor of naming 17 beautiful cardinals and two honorary mediocre-looking pigeons in a deeply sentimental naming ceremony this past weekend.

The red cardinals migrated nearly 4,000 miles to greet the Pope at his residency in Vatican City. The Pope was reportedly standing on his balcony, gazing majestically off into the distance when he heard the beautiful song of “twittle twittle, twee twoo tee tee” and whipped out his professional bird-watching binoculars in pure excitement.

BERLIN – As Donald Trump ascends to the American presidency and a right-wing populist wave engulfs much of western Europe, it appears that Germany represents the last best hope against the renewed rise of fascism. According to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the Germans find this “only slightly amusing. Only slightly.”

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1. So you know indulgences right?