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Apocalypse Ensues After Area Man Wears Polyester At Red Lobster On A Saturday

In what theologians have described as “the triple crown of sin,” Woburn resident Donald Keegan’s decision to wear a garment of mixed fibers while eating shellfish on the Sabbath has led to the breaking of the seven seals, the sounding of seven trumpets, and the raining of flames down from the heavens in a series of events that will almost certainly lead to the cancellation of this week’s Patriots game, as well as the destruction of mankind.

China Fucking Over It

In a recent interview with SatireV, China stated that it was “over this shit, just like, really over it.” The last few years have been trying for eldest brother China as he deals with his younger siblings (Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands) and their tantrums.

"You know, I fought hard to get Hong Kong, Taiwan, and the Diaoyu islands from that bastard Japan and his bitch of a new wife, England. I fought because it was important that we be a family again; the foster system does terrible things to a growing nation.”

Kim Jong Un Accidentally Devours Entire Nation of North Korea, is Deposed

Kim Jong Un, Supreme Leader of North Korea, is speculated to have unintentionally eaten the nation he governs. An investigation into Un’s pre-post-dinner-mid-midnight snack this Monday revealed that instead of eating his usual meal of two chickens, an omelet, and a local peasant, Un had accidentally consumed the entire nation of North Korea.

US Responds to MICE-IS Threat

Following a recent rash of journalist brieheadings, the US is stepping up its  efforts to combat the MICE-IS terrorist organization in Syria and Iraq, with President Obama calling for increased gruyere strikes against key oil fields and weapons depots.

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Scotland Rejects Independence; Alex Salmond Drawn and Quartered

     Tower of London, United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland – With Scottish voters having decisively voted “No” in the long anticipated referendum on independence, Scottish First Minister and leading independence advocate Alex Salmond has been transported in shackles to London and ritually disemboweled by members of the Queen's household guard. 

Elm Yard UC Candidate Promises Development Plan for Scotland

In his revolutionary one-paragraph candidacy statement released earlier this week, Undergraduate Council (UC) Freshman Representative candidate from Elm Yard, Tim Peterson, has unveiled a plan for the development of Scotland if the region votes to become an independent country.

Hogwarts Threatens to Relocate to London

Hogsmeade, Scotland—In what has been perhaps the school’s most political move in over a decade, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry released a statement this Wednesday advocating for Scots to vote ‘no’ on today’s independence referendum. “Should the country not wish to die a most painful death,” Headmaster Albus Dumbledore said, “it would do well to remember its place.” Halting words from the usually peace mongering Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot come just before Scots head to the polls to decide who they really are.

‘Last King of Scotland’ Returns to be Actual King of Scotland

Secret intelligence has come out that Forest Whitaker, who played Ugandan dictator Idi Amin in Kevin MacDonald’s “The Last King of Scotland” is now ready to be the actual king of Scotland. The film highlights Idi Amin’s somewhat incredibly weird liking of Scottish royalty and rebellion.

Loch Ness Monster Still Undecided About Scotland Referendum

Loch Ness—Despite an abundance of misleading rumors and myths, the Loch Ness Monster is, indeed, still in the process of deciding whether to vote “Yes” or “No” on the referendum for Scottish independence.

           “I see both sides, I s’pose,” says the lake creature, whose first documented appearance is recorded in the 7th-century manuscript The Life of St. Columba. “Certainly, there’s a compelling argument to be made that Scotland as we know it will lose significant economic viability. On the other hand, though, no one around this loch likes the English.”

Scotland Prepares for Transition to Petrostate

Edinburgh, Scotland—Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond, wearing a traditional white thawb and an aqal headdress, addressed the press this morning to discuss his government’s preparations for independence pending the results of the September 18 referendum.

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