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Scientists Pinpoint Exact Moment When Katy Perry Turned Cringe

JEFFERSON LABS, VA—Using recently-developed technology, scientists have finally determined that musician Katy Perry crossed the line from pop princess to super cringe on October 14, 2015.

According to the project’s chief scientist, George L. Xavier, the study was an outgrowth of widespread confusion about when exactly Perry became cringe. “What we found was that everyone agreed ‘Swish Swish,’ ‘Bon Appetit,’ and ‘The Smurfs 2’ made them uncomfortable,” he said. “The more difficult issue was deciding the earliest date when Katy did something kinda off.”

Retrospective: A Timeline of the Year Since Trump's Election

November 8, 2016 (Election)—WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK?

November 9, 2016 (The morning after)—FUCK. Deep breaths. FUCK. Breathe in. FUCK. Breathe out. FUCK.

November 10, 2016 (Clinton spotted in woods)—Come the fuck back.

January 11, 2017 (Obama gives his farewell address)—FUCKING STAY.

January 20, 2017 (Inauguration)—FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

January 21, 2017 (Spicer lies about crowd size)—Okay we have the fucking picture right in front of us.

Satire V38: Nerds and Numbers Agree, Joe Flacco Leads NFL MVP Race Due to Historically High DANVRYGAR/G+

I'm Not Like Those Other Republicans. I'm a Moderate.

Hey there, voter.

I heard you’re looking for a Republican lawmaker who’s socially and economically conservative, but not in an off-putting way. Well, look no further than me, because I’m not like those other Republicans. I’m a moderate.

Apple Debuts iPhone XXX, Revolutionizes Sex Toy Industry

CUPERTINO, CA - Earlier today, Tim Cook shocked Apple aficionados and Geniuses alike by unveiling Apple's most revolutionary product to date, the iPhone XXX. The iPhone X, it seems, was merely a warm up act for one of the "greatest innovations of our time."

"We've disrupted every industry you can think of. Music, TV, news, telecom; the list goes on," Cook said. "It was about time we broke through to the one industry that accounts for over 20% of the time people actually spend on our devices, porn."

Gnome Chomsky Criticizes U.S. Hedgemony

WALTHAM, MA — In a conference for Boston-area academics last night, leading intellectual Gnome Chomsky issued a statement criticizing U.S. hedgemony.

Looking At Porn is Absolutely The Worst Thing I've Ever Done

Porn Star Ted Cruz
By Ted Cruz
 
My fellow Americans, I'll admit it: I made a mistake. I entrusted a member of my staff– I won't say whose, I mean which, member– with my Twitter account, and that person liked a tweet that contained porn. Now I'm going to apologize for this, which is definitely the worst thing I have ever done in my political career.
 

Area Mom Wondering If It’s Been Long Enough To Buy Tiki Torches Again

CANTON, OH - Sources say that area mom Linda S. Givings has been contemplating purchasing a Tiki brand torch for her backyard, but is worried that their recent use as a neo-nazi symbol may still prevent her from doing so. While the torches are exactly the kind of look she’s going for, they also possibly continue to serve as an unsettling reminder of just how racist the underbelly of America can be.
 

Nation Agrees It Must At Least Pretend to Care About Florida

As the most powerful Atlantic storm in recorded history battered the United States mainland, the nation kept Florida in its prayers, but also decided that the state kind of had it coming anyway.

“Hurricane Irma is causing mass destruction to all in its path with winds reaching up to 185 miles per hour,” Sandra Zuckerman of the National Hurricane Center said. “But then again, Florida is also the reason Bush was elected.”

As Florida residents boarded up their homes and stockpiled food, water, and gasoline, the nation debated just how much pity was warranted.

Irma to Visit Ethel, Maureen, and Gladys in Boca Raton This Weekend

Irma and the gang.

BOCA RATON – Things are sure to spin out of control this weekend when area octogenarian Irma visits her friends Ethel, Maureen, and Gladys at the Sunny Vistas Assisted Living Center in Boca Raton, Florida.

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