SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

U.S.

Democracy in Decline: 7 Norms That Donald Trump Has Undermined

Liberal pundits keep talking about how President Donald Trump has undermined American democracy by defying the norms that keep the government running. So what are these norms? And why do we care? Who is the President Pro Tempore of the Senate, and what does he do?

Without further ado, these are the top 7 norms that Trump has undermined:

1.     Norm of Mutual Toleration

 Congress

Capitalist Win! Nation Teaches Little Children to Sell Body Parts for Money

United States of America – From the nation that has learned how to commodify everything from prisons to sex comes a powerful lesson for young children: Leave your body parts under your pillow and rely on the benevolence of an invisible hand to compensate you for natural resources you have painfully extracted!

Talk about a victory for the free market! Micro adults can expect a standardized rate of $1-2 per outside bone, with all prices subject to inflation. Extra sums go to the children of Charles and David Koch. 

Commentators Lamb-ast Tom Brady, Say He’s No Longer the GOAT

After an offensive bleatdown at the hands of the Philadelphia Eagles, Tom Brady has lost his GOAT status in the minds of many football insiders.

“Yes, he’s defeated a real hooves-who of great teams,” ESPN commentator Stephen A. Smith said on Around the Horn. “But it’s udderly absurd and ludicrously e-goat-istical for Patriots fans to claim that Tom Brady is undeniably the GOAT when he can’t even bleat the Eagles without their starting quarterback. That’s one of the most blasphemous things I’ve ever herd. I love you, Brady, but it's clear you're officially pasture prime.”

Report: Majority of NFL Fans Rooting for Justin Timberlake in Super Bowl

Justin Timberlake and a graph that shows him winning a majority of support among NFL fans.

MINNEAPOLIS – According to a joint study by the Pew Research Center and Sports Illustrated, a majority of Americans who consider themselves NFL fans will be rooting for halftime performer Justin Timberlake in Super Bowl LII.

“At first we were surprised by the findings,” said Pew VP of Research Claudia Deane. “But when we took a quick poll around the office, well, it seems the hatred for both of these franchises is overhwlemingly palpable, and Justin Timberlake is a beloved pop icon.”

Scientists Confirm Superior Race is People Who Wear Shorts in December

A man holding a beaker with a man wearing shorts in the snow inside of it.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a chilling new discovery, scientists have finally pinpointed the most advanced race on Earth: people who wear shorts in December. The centuries-long debate has culminated in a conclusion on which we all can agree. 

“Evolution has lead us to this very point,” noted scientist Roger Jennings, his shoulders on full display through his sleeveless undershirt despite sub-zero temperatures. “It started back in October with the three-quarter kaki. From there, the correlation between genetic superiority and pant length was strictly negative.”

Katy Perry Kept Afloat Only by Freshmen Listening to “The One That Got Away (Acoustic)”

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - Sources close to pop star Katy Perry report that she is staving off bankruptcy solely because lonely college freshmen are listening to the acoustic version of her 2010 hit “The One That Got Away” on repeat.

The Santa Barbara native was once making millions worldwide from her catchy pop-dance ditties and heartfelt ballads. But now she is only able to make ends meet from the residuals she receives as 18-year-olds lament their recently lost high school loves.

New Gay Icon Just Bowling Ball in Wig

A pink bowling ball wearing a blonde wig

BRUNSWICK BOWLING LANES, LOWELL MA — Still hot off the disappointment of Lady Gaga’s Joanne and desperate for any object to look up to, gay millennials across the nation have started a fandom that worships a size 8 pink bowling ball in a blonde wig as their new icon.

Anti-Semitism Ends As Everyone Realizes Paul Rudd Is Jewish

Paul Rudd

The Pew Research Center reported on Monday that anti-Semitism is on a steep decline because Americans are realizing that Paul Rudd is Jewish.

Pew’s findings show that anti-Semitism experienced an uptick in 2016, when Donald Trump's campaign revved up anti-Jewish prejudice. But anti-Semitism has been dropping dramatically ever since as people remember that vaguely unobjectionable Hollywood A-lister Paul Rudd is a member of the tribe.

Leaked: GOP Demands for the Tax Bill

The Republican Tax Plan just passed the House. What does the Senate GOP want in order to pass the bill? Satire V has obtained a list of some of the demands:

Scientists Pinpoint Exact Moment When Katy Perry Turned Cringe

JEFFERSON LABS, VA—Using recently-developed technology, scientists have finally determined that musician Katy Perry crossed the line from pop princess to super cringe on October 14, 2015.

According to the project’s chief scientist, George L. Xavier, the study was an outgrowth of widespread confusion about when exactly Perry became cringe. “What we found was that everyone agreed ‘Swish Swish,’ ‘Bon Appetit,’ and ‘The Smurfs 2’ made them uncomfortable,” he said. “The more difficult issue was deciding the earliest date when Katy did something kinda off.”

Pages