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The Saddest Part of Marley and Me was When the Mars Rover Died

Opportunity rover

I don’t normally cry during movies, but when the Mars Rover died at the end of Marley and Me, I’ll be honest, I was a mess. 

From the moment Opportunity (Oppy) drove onto the screen, I knew this little rover would forever occupy a special place in my heart. Like when Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston were teaching it how to play fetch, but it kept bringing back meteorite samples from different parts of the park? Aw man, I was laughing so much. What a stupid little sophisticated 20 Mhz RA6000 CPU with 128 MB of DRAM.

I am Happy the Score Was 13-3 Because 14 is the Highest Number I Can Think of

super bowl
Hello everyone. I have a confession to make. I am deeply relieved Super Bowl LIII’s score was 13-3 because my brain genuinely cannot conceive of a number higher than 14.
 
It was just me and the boys, watching the big game. But I was so, so nervous. None of them knew my secret. With each Rams pass, each Brady hair flip, I was horrified that the score of either team might exceed 14. What would I say? Who would I answer to?
 

Facebook, You’re Despicable, But Potentially Less So If You Gave Me A Job

Lady typing on laptop
Dear Facebook/Mark Zuckerberg/whom it may concern:
 

Toothpaste Tube Turns out to, Indeed, Be Infinite

Toothpaste

CAMBRIDGE, MA— At first, Caroline Jenson thought it was just a fluke. But then, the toothpaste kept coming and coming, leading Jenson to the conclusion that the amount of toothpaste contained in the tube approached infinity. 

“When the tube lasted my whole Freshman Fall,” she admitted, “I thought it was just an unusually large tube. But then, I hit Junior Spring, and I knew something was up.”

“If I had known toothpaste tubes were infinite, I would have never taken that intolerably long trek from Adams to CVS,” explained Charlotte Mills, a three-time FOP leader.

1001 Ways to Avoid Calling Something Racist

A picture of the Associated Press styleguide

NEW YORK, NY — Since the election of Donald Trump, the nation has seen a rise in public declarations and demonstrations in favor of white supremacy. For many journalists and media outlets, the problem lies not in the racism itself, but what to call it. Thus, The Associated Press is releasing a new style guide, "1001 Ways to Avoid Calling Something Racist," at the beginning of the new year.

Mueller Announces that Putin-Trump Payments Have Been Public on Venmo this Whole Time

WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference on Tuesday, Special Counsel Robert Mueller announced his most groundbreaking finding to date. Over the past four years, Vladimir Putin has transferred billions of dollars to President Donald Trump. But in a shocking turn of events, all of the illicit payments are public on Venmo.

Vladimir Putin Proudly Dons “I Voted” Sticker

Vladamir with "I Voted" Sticker

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – After being repeatedly warned by pundits of the importance of turnout in the 2018 US mid-term elections, and inspired by thousands of Twitter bots posting images of voters posing outside their polling places, Vladimir Putin finally emerged from the Kremlin proudly displaying his “I Voted” sticker on his lapel.

A Win for Democracy! Student Fills Out Ballot, Forgets to Actually Mail It

Girl at polls

Boston, MA – On Friday, Senator Elizabeth Warren announced plans to honor local college student Katie South with a medal for citizenship, after South reportedly filled out a mail-in ballot and proceeded to completely forget about it in her desk drawer. South, who studies government, claims she was surprised by the attention. “No, I wouldn’t say I’m a hero, I was just doing the right thing. I filled out my ballot, put it away beneath some papers, and I haven’t thought about it since. Basically, there’s no way I’m mailing that envelope in before tomorrow.”

SatireV38 NBA Predictions: LeBron Wins 2019 Eastern Conference Finals

basketball court

Though impossible, Los Angeles Lakers star LeBron James has a 100.3 ± 0.2 % chance of representing the Eastern Conference in the 2019 NBA Finals according to our prophetic Excel spreadsheet models. As Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert once wittily noted, “LEBRON UR A BIG FAT MEANIE and ARE RUINING the league.”

Democrats Unveil Ambitious Plan Not to Get Completely Crushed During Midterms, Please

Tom Perez and Nancy Pelosi

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an ambitious move that many respected political analysts are calling “unlikely to work” and “kind of embarrassing,” the Democratic National Committee has unveiled a bold proposal to somehow possibly maybe win a little bit in the upcoming 2018 midterm elections. 

DNC Chairman Tom Perez told reporters that the Democratic Party is hoping “for some kind of victory, really, anything, we’ll take anything.” He then collapsed onto the floor in a puddle of tears, a move that was pretty uncomfortable to witness from a 57-year old adult in a position of power.

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