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QUIZ: Is It Love, or Is It Eye Contact?

man
Ladies, we’ve all been there: You walk into a room, and—BAM!—a total hottie is standing right there in the same room as you. RIGHT there. Like there you are, in the room. And there he is, in that room also.
 
Can you say fate? You give him the ol’ thrice-over, and all of a sudden, it happens. Your eyes lock across the crowded room. You look at him. He looks at you. You are left with the age-old conundrum: Is it love, or is it eye contact?
 

QUIZ: Are You Living the College Lifestyle, or Do You Just Have No Self-Respect?

boys in a dorm room
It’s late. 3:02 a.m. to be exact. You just finished a long pset, and you’re done studying for the night. You decide to reward yourself with some late night Easy Mac. You’re two-and-a-half bowls deep when you start to wonder if instant mac and cheese is just part of the broke college student aesthetic or if this choice is a manifestation of your deep-seated self-hatred.
 
We’ve all been there: Are you living the college lifestyle, or do you just have no self-respect? Take this handy quiz to find out!

Nation's Dads Announce Plan to Cut Number of Goddamn Remotes in Half by 2030

THE LIVING ROOM – The nation's dads announced today an ambitious plan to cut the number of goddamm remotes in half by the year 2030.

"There's just too many freakin' remotes," said Burt T. Underwood, dad of two. "That's why the other dads and I put together this plan of action," he added, waving around a La Quinta Inn notepad with some notes scribbled on it.

“Don’t Spend It All in One Place,” Says Idiot Grandpa Who Just Gave You $5 for Your Birthday

Grandpa

Clearly under the impression that a gallon of milk still costs 10 cents and that your affection is equally cheap, your idiot grandpa reportedly slipped you $5 for your birthday yesterday while advising you not to “spend it all in one place.”

MADLIB: So Sorry I Can’t Come to Your Event

Woman staring at computer

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry I can’t make it to your NOUN. I really want to come—I loooove NOUN—but I will be GERUND this weekend.

I really wanted to come—I swear I had it VERB in my Google calendar and everything! I was talking to PROPER NOUN about it just yesterday, PRONOUN can tell you. Isn’t PROPER NOUN coming? I love PRONOUN!

Study Shows More Young Variables Opting for Causal Relationships

STANFORD, CA — A new study released by researchers at Stanford University shows that more and more young variables are choosing to keep their relationships causal. 

Woman Angry at Dipshit Boyfriend Who Won’t Oh Wait Just Kidding He Replied To Her Text

Woman staring at phone angrily

LOS ANGELES — As Kelly Lawson ferociously gulped down heaping spoonfuls of ice cream in a fit of blind feminine rage, her bitter diatribe about the heartlessness of men abruptly came to a halt Thursday night when her boyfriend finally replied to her carefully drafted text, causing her to immediately vindicate all faults of the male population that she had just painstakingly detailed for the past 12 minutes.

Four Dignity Tabs so They Won’t Know You’re Reading up on Ingrid Michaelson

ingrid

Nothing’s worse than being caught in the act when you’re trying to find out more about the life of noted singer-songwriter Ingrid Michaelson. Not to worry—when some guy walks behind you, just awkwardly fumble around as if you've never used a computer before and click on one of these babies. Here are four dignity tabs that will totally distract those prying eyes!

1. The Atlantic

Listicle: That’s Facts

facts

365 days in a year? That's facts.

The telephonic transmission of scanned printed material to a telephone number connected to a printer? That's fax.

A food and fiber crop cultivated in cooler regions of the world? That's flax.

A woman whose cancer cells are immortal? That's Lacks.

Inclinations or natural gifts for things? That's knacks.

A break or opening in something? That's cracks.

Man spending every day trying to rationalize how he's married to Kristen Bell? That's Dax.

Small colorful sharp dots? That's tacks.

Daycare Discussion Dominated by C-Section Kid

HARRISBURG DAYCARE CENTER – Area toddler Jimmy R. Conners reportedly dominated his daycare’s sharing-time session for the third time this week. Conners, who was brought into the world by Cesarean section and is unreasonably proud of that, continually interrupted his classmates during their show-and-tell presentations.

“He didn’t let me finish talking about my pet goldfish,” Adrianna W. Lin explained, moments before breaking into tears.

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