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Injustice Reigns: This Baby Got Three Names But Mr. Bean Only Got One

Mr. Bean!

It’s no secret that, at the present, America is incredibly divided.  However, a startling new claim makes it clear that the inequality in our country is somehow more rampant than one could have imagined.

I Accidentally Put Cream of Tartar on My Cut Instead of Neosporin and Here’s What Happened

cream of tartar

Yesterday I arrived home from class and began making myself a Family Size box of Annie’s mac ‘n cheese to eat alone in my bed. Tragically, as I cut into a firm stick of salted butter to add to my cheese sauce, I nicked myself with my knife and cut my finger. I instinctually headed for my pantry, and began sifting through assorted bottles of vitamins, spices, and condiments, all haphazardly mixed together in the same cabinet for ease of use. Finally, my eyes fell upon it, a small jar of opaque cream.

Satan to Honor Those Who Take Only the Crumble Part of the Apple Crumble

apple crumble

HELL—Satan will host a Summit to Recognize Extraordinary Evil later this month honoring the bold men and women who, come dessert time, take only the delicious crumbly bits of the apple crumble, a spokesman for the Dark Prince announced on Thursday.

QUIZ: Should You Wake Up the Airline Passenger Next To You, Or Just Piss Your Pants?

After fighting your way through seemingly endless lines at baggage check and security, you’ve finally settled in for your flight home. You realize you have to pee, but you’re in the middle seat and the passenger in the aisle is fast asleep. 
 
Should you wake up the airline passenger next to you, or just piss your pants? Take this quiz to find out!
 
  1. How badly do you have to pee?
A) Just a little.

The Top 10 Cloth Puppets That Are Raging Homosexuals

The sexualities of the beloved, definitely gay Sesame Street characters Bert and Ernie have been at the center of debate practically since their debut on the children’s TV show in 1969. However, as the world continues to debate TV’s gayest puppet couple, it has failed to speculate on the sexualities of all of the other members of the Muppet universe. All of the muppets (except Beaker, the token straight) are gay, but some are more homosexual than the rest. Below are the top 10 gayest muppets:

QUIZ: Should You Have Brought Up Your Extensive Animal Tooth Collection in Your Case Interview?

shark teeth

1) How many animal teeth did you admit to owning?

A) Only two. I said they were shark teeth that I got on a family vacation to Ocean City, MD last year.
B) Several hundred. I also mentioned how I had them variously stashed around my room: a handful of zebra incisors on my desk, a dozen or so cobra fangs in the closet, and -- get this -- a full set of bear teeth in the top drawer of my nightstand. I know, my setup is pretty badass.

2) How did your interviewer react when you brought up the animal teeth?

QUIZ: Is It Love, or Is It Eye Contact?

man
Ladies, we’ve all been there: You walk into a room, and—BAM!—a total hottie is standing right there in the same room as you. RIGHT there. Like there you are, in the room. And there he is, in that room also.
 
Can you say fate? You give him the ol’ thrice-over, and all of a sudden, it happens. Your eyes lock across the crowded room. You look at him. He looks at you. You are left with the age-old conundrum: Is it love, or is it eye contact?
 

QUIZ: Are You Living the College Lifestyle, or Do You Just Have No Self-Respect?

boys in a dorm room
It’s late. 3:02 a.m. to be exact. You just finished a long pset, and you’re done studying for the night. You decide to reward yourself with some late night Easy Mac. You’re two-and-a-half bowls deep when you start to wonder if instant mac and cheese is just part of the broke college student aesthetic or if this choice is a manifestation of your deep-seated self-hatred.
 
We’ve all been there: Are you living the college lifestyle, or do you just have no self-respect? Take this handy quiz to find out!

Nation's Dads Announce Plan to Cut Number of Goddamn Remotes in Half by 2030

THE LIVING ROOM – The nation's dads announced today an ambitious plan to cut the number of goddamm remotes in half by the year 2030.

"There's just too many freakin' remotes," said Burt T. Underwood, dad of two. "That's why the other dads and I put together this plan of action," he added, waving around a La Quinta Inn notepad with some notes scribbled on it.

“Don’t Spend It All in One Place,” Says Idiot Grandpa Who Just Gave You $5 for Your Birthday

Grandpa

Clearly under the impression that a gallon of milk still costs 10 cents and that your affection is equally cheap, your idiot grandpa reportedly slipped you $5 for your birthday yesterday while advising you not to “spend it all in one place.”

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