Harvard’s hottest and most exclusive final club, the Lizard Club, will soon welcome its newest punch class, which can only mean one thing: it’s time for the annual Taming of the Lizards punch initiation formal! 

DUNSTER HOUSE — This fall’s punch presents the Harvard community with an unmatched opportunity for an enriched education: against all odds and sanctions, a new sophomore blocking group has reported featuring at least one member from all six all-male final clubs. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard’s administration delivered the ultimate diversity win when they announced their decision to continue sanctions on single-gender social organizations. Now, all-male final clubs must open their doors to America’s most marginalized group: affluent women who went to Spence.

Wow. Talk about the next Brown v. Board of Education.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Just hours before the polls closed for the 2017 UC Presidential election, things took a supernatural turn when outsider candidates Conor Healy '19 and Parth Thakker '19 stood up simultaneously and, with booming voices that seemed to emanate from the heavens, commanded Harvard’s final clubs to “go forth, multiply, and replenish the campus.”

CHICAGO -- A recent observational study has revealed a growing rift between old and young male owls. According to ornithologists at the American Orinthologists' Union (AOU), parliaments of owls are facing some serious divisions.

“We are witnessing prolonged infighting among male owls in a way that has never been documented before,” said Dr. John James, an AOU ornithologist and expert on owl behavior. “Males are attacking each other, and it seems that the division is between older and younger owls.”