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List: Hasty Pudding Names for Lady Actors

Mila Kunis at the Hasty Pudding parade
 
Yesterday, the Hasty Pudding Theatricals announced that women would be cast in next year’s production. The following are names for these actresses’ characters in future shows: 
 
Isa Bouttime
 
Jenn de Rinequalité
 
Donna Withsexism
 
N. Fran Chisement
 
Betty Latethannever
 
Thea Barislow
 
Ulta M. Atim
 
Mila Maedus
 

Excerpts from Rejected Expos 40 Applications

This week, students across the College applied to and were rejected from Expos 40: Public Speaking Practicum. Satire V received an exclusive list of their applications, excerpted below.

...as a freshman, I believe...

Mila Kunis's Approval More Powerful Enticement Than Three Generations of Talented Women

Actress Mila Kunis
CAMBRIDGE, MA – After the Hasty Pudding Theatricals announced that their 171st show will feature female performers, sources have confirmed that Pudding Grand Sphinx Andrew Farkas's desire to be friends with Woman of the Year Mila Kunis has single-handedly outdone the efforts of three generations of gifted actresses to attend Harvard since it went coed.
 

Jaded Student Realizes Consulting Just Advanced Googling

A Google search bar with "how to become a consultant" typed into it
CAMBRIDGE, MA — After lining up a post-graduation job at renowned management consulting firm McKinsey & Company, Harvard senior Rakash Bagari '18 recently had the world-shattering realization that consulting is just advanced Googling.
 
The revelation came to Bagari when he tried explaining to his family what exactly a career in management consulting would entail. While recounting the countless hours he spent researching synergistic and cost effective management solutions, he wondered, “Couldn’t anyone have just, like, typed that into Google?”
 

Katie Lapp Trapped in my.harvard Sign In Page

A picture of the my.harvard sign in page with Katie Lapp's head

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped in the my.harvard sign in page.

Harvard Model Congress Member Appalled to Discover Organization Has Educational Mission

Boats on a tropical island

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard Model Congress member Gregory L. Davis '20 was appalled last week to discover that the organization has an educational mission. The group—which sponsors weeklong retreats to Dubai, Hong Kong, and São Paulo—supposedly also teaches high school students about American government through congressional simulations.

Trailblazers: These Attractive Rich Women are First to Join Attractive Rich Men's Clubs

Five nicely dressed women

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard’s administration delivered the ultimate diversity win when they announced their decision to continue sanctions on single-gender social organizations. Now, all-male final clubs must open their doors to America’s most marginalized group: affluent women who went to Spence.

Wow. Talk about the next Brown v. Board of Education.

5 Better Places to Hide Your Dead Roommate than the Farnsworth Room in Lamont

CAMBRIDGE, MA - We’ve all been there. It’s job hunting season, you’re stressed out, and you have to deal with the body of your dead roommate before the authorities figure out that they're dead. Lucky for you, we’ve got some tips on where to hide his body. All five of these places are better ideas than hiding your it in the Farnsworth Room of Lamont, which is populated by students at almost every hour of the day. Seriously, it will not take them long to find it. Trust us.

1) The Charles River

36 Questions That Will Lead to Love

by the Harvard Advocate
 

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, which Frankfurt School critical theorist would you want as a dinner guest?

5. When did you last recite a John Ashbery poem to yourself? To someone else?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will be consumed by the oblivion?

8. Name three things that you and your partner appear to have in common besides thick Warby Parker glasses and the tendency to over use the word “discourse.”

Girl Glancing over Shoulder in Dining Hall Clearly About to Talk Serious Shit About Jenny

LOWELL DINING HALL – Megan C. Lafferty ’20, glancing over her shoulder in the dining hall, is clearly about to talk some serious shit about Jenny.

When Lafferty gossips over meals, she normally just drops her voice to offer her unsolicited opinions about her classmates. But at lunch on Tuesday, Lafferty craned her neck over her shoulder and slowly scanned the entire dining hall for anyone who might possibly know her linkmate.

“Oh wow,” commented a passerby. “That bitch must be about to talk some serious shit about Jenny.”

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