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Four Hair Straighteners That’ll Make Your Hair So Straight It’ll Pursue Men at the Fly

Is your hair curly? Do you wish it were straighter? Have no fear—these four hair straighteners will make your hair so straight that it’ll decide to pursue men at the Fly.

Sure, you’re a junior. Sure, you really have no business being at the Fly. Sure, the members perpetuate socioeconomic elitism and talk over you in section. But with strands this straight, your tresses will be pining for the boys at the Fly on a Friday night as “Mr. Brightside” blares over the speakers and some drunk guy hits on a freshman from BU in the corner.

Area Freshman Rents Music Practice Room Just to Cry

Schwartz crying at a piano.

Cambridge, MA - Sources report that it was a tough week for Aaron M. Schwartz '21, who—after two midterms, one gluten allergy reaction, and zero Tinder matches—booked a music practice room as his venue for a quick emotional breakdown. While Schwartz normally favors a speedy shower scream or a silent tear at Lamont, after the week he’s had, those avenues simply weren’t going to cut it.

Mass Hall Freshmen Kept Up Until 4 am by Drew Faust's Rager

Drew Faust in front of Mass Hall

HARVARD YARD — This past Sunday, Massachusetts Hall residents were shocked to discover that the booming bass that had kept awake was in fact coming from the offices of Harvard’s President, Drew Gilpin Faust.

Interviewed on his way back from Lamont, one freshman spoke out.

“I thought that being in Mass Hall would suck because we wouldn’t be able to party with the president working right under us, but like… I had a pset to do," he said. "I didn’t ask for this.”  

Student's Gratitude to Parents Lasts Record 22 Hours

ST. LOUIS, MO — After a record 22 hours of gratitude, Brandon L. Peters ’20 has returned to being deeply ungrateful for everything his parents have done for him.

“God, all that thankfulness was exhausting,” said Peters, lying on the couch that his mother purchased, eating the leftovers that his father cooked, and reclining under the blanket that his mother knitted. “I’m just relieved that this is only a once-a-year thing.”

Freshman on Bumble Swipes Right for the Final Club Medal

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Last Wednesday, freshman Michelle T. Smith '21 was swiping through potential suitors on Bumble when she came across Alex, a 5'11" junior at Harvard who “enjoys swimming, biking, and maybe one day you ;)”

Another Eccentric White Man Initiated into the Lampoon

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Yet another eccentric white man was initiated into the Harvard Lampoon this weekend, bringing the total number of brooding, fair-skinned males in the humor publication to Too Fucking Many.

Could We Have a Rivalry, Too? Please?

Hi Harvard! It’s Princeton. Remember us? We’re that school that you applied regular decision to. We admitted you! You were excited, but you’d already gotten into Harvard early action, so you were only kind of excited. 

Everything we hear nowadays is “Harvard-Yale” this and “Harvard-Yale” that, and we’ve been feeling a little left out recently. We hate to bother you, but could we have a rivalry, too? Please?

Outsider UC Ticket Commands Final Clubs To “Go Forth, Multiply, and Replenish the Campus”

Delphic Club

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Just hours before the polls closed for the 2017 UC Presidential election, things took a supernatural turn when outsider candidates Conor Healy '19 and Parth Thakker '19 stood up simultaneously and, with booming voices that seemed to emanate from the heavens, commanded Harvard’s final clubs to “go forth, multiply, and replenish the campus.”

The Emptiness Inside of Me Can Only Be Filled by Lukewarm Leftovers in the D-Hall

Freshman Smited After Sparknotes-ing the Bible for Hum 10

On Friday, God threw a bolt of lightning from the heavens and obliterated Bethany A. Silber ’21 as punishment for Sparknotes-ing the Bible for her Humanities Colloquium class.

An ominous voice boomed from the sky moments before Silber was struck as she left Lionel for section. Mower resident Devin P. Hamilton ’21 recalls, “When I first heard the voice, I thought someone was just playing Morgan Freeman’s scenes from Bruce Almighty, but then I realized that it was actually coming from the clouds.”

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