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PETA Condemns Students Punching the Owl

An owl getting punched.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Responding to recent controversy on the university’s campus, animal rights advocacy organization PETA publicly condemned Harvard students for punching the Owl.

Area Man Disappointed to Discover Lies Feminist Tell Event Isn't Just List of Times Women Have Told Him They're Not Interested

Local man Matthew Jackson, 22, was reportedly disappointed to discover “Lies Feminists Tell” event was not just a list of all the times women have told him they’re not interested.

When he originally heard of the event, he decided that the title alone was enough to pique his interest. “I’ve always known these so-called feminists weren’t telling me the whole truth,” he disclosed. “Now I can finally get proof that when Emma said she ‘just didn’t see me in a romantic way,’ and ‘was too busy with classes to look for anything serious’ she was just lying through her damn teeth.”

Khurana Shakes Up Single Blender Social Organizations

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In an announcement on Wednesday, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana unveiled new plans to target Unrecognized Single-Blender Social Organizations by proposing a policy which would propel members of such organizations toward the risk of expulsion.

Area Asshole Sets World Record for Time Spent Filling Up Water Bottle

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a shocking turn of events, area asshole Devon R. Johnson '19 set a new world record of seven minutes and forty-six seconds on Tuesday for time spent filling up his 64oz Wide Mouth Hydro Flask water bottle at the water bottle filler in the Barker Center.

Making sure to fully appreciate every single ounce of water, Johnson ensured that his bottle was filled to the very top of its stainless steel lid, waiting for the stream of water from the filler that was slower than Johnson’s leisurely walks through the Yard.

Report: Dean Khurana Fails Turing Test

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Adding to students' concerns about the humanity of College administrators, a survey conducted by The Harvard Independent has shown that Rakesh Khurana, Dean of Harvard College, was unable to pass the Turing test. 

7 Ways to TOTALLY Convince Your Peers You’re a REAL Math Concentrator

1) Almost done with your homework, but feel like it lacks some mathematical oomph? Spice it up by starting every problem with “Consider the case generically where the result trivially holds and consider by noting that the note of triviality follows trivially.” Your professor will NEVER guess that you struggle with imposter syndrome every night!

Driver’s License Still Has No Crimson Cash on Fourth Swipe

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Dazed Quincy House senior Matthew Bradley '18 expressed surprise and disappointment tonight as, for the fourth consecutive time, his driver's license failed to register any stored Crimson cash when swiped it in a vending machine.

Lamont to No Longer Offer Complimentary Checked Bags

A man receiving a complimentary checked bag in the Lamont Cafe

HARVARD YARD – According to reports from sources close to University Operations, Lamont Library will no longer be offering complimentary checked bags upon departure.

Mirroring a nationwide trend, the once-prestigious library in the Yard's southeast corner has decided to do away with a service that has been taken for granted by many, much to the chagrin of frequent studiers.

“I'm Sorry, I Can't, It's Midterm Season,” Says Fetus in Its Second Trimester

WOMB – A local fetus has reportedly offered the excuse “I’m sorry, I can’t, it’s midterm season” for the 89th time during its second trimester.

On Monday, the fetus—Andrea Hughes if it’s a girl, Andrew Hughes if it’s a boy—blew off an invitation from its twin to kick their mother’s bladder until she peed. The fetus apologetically blamed midterm season as it turned away from the twin in the amniotic fluid.

Planet Earth III: The Emergence of Ursa Mankiwus on Parents Weekend

Greg Mankiw as a bear
The following is a preview of Sir David Attenborough's next BBC nature series, Planet Earth III: