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Lamont Securitas Guards Begin Checking for Emotional Baggage

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In addition to checking every single pocket of student backpacks for contraband books, Lamont Securitas guards will now screen students for hidden emotional baggage. The announcement comes as students face additional stress during midterm season and may leave the library with higher than usual amounts of unresolved emotional issues, including crippling self-doubt, intense desire for validation, and GPA envy.

Sleeping Section Kid Actually Dead

NORTHWEST LABS B108 — Brandon C. Pfluger ’19, initially considered to be simply dozing off, was pronounced dead in his Economics 10b section on Wednesday.  

After classmates were unable to wake Pfluger, Crimson EMT Taylor Chan ’18 was called to the scene from her seat in the front row, but she was unable to revive him. At press time, it is still unclear why Chan, a pre-med student, was taking an Economics course. 

Leaked: Draft of Mark Zuckerberg’s Commencement Speech

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, members of the class of 2017, and lurking members of the class of 2017 Facebook page who actually go to a different school but never removed yourselves from the page:

Thank you for the invitation to speak today. Unfortunately, all the good dropout jokes were taken by Bill Gates. [pause for laughs] That was a funny drop out joke, because both Bill Gates and I dropped out.

Dean Khurana Fractures Foot after Walking Too Many Miles in Another’s Shoes

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Earlier today, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana was rushed to University Health Services and diagnosed with a stress fracture following a 40 mile walk in another’s shoes.

AEO Announces Grand Opening of New Location in Highest Room of Tallest Tower on Mt. Everest

NEPAL – In a strategic move from Mt. Auburn to Mt. Everest, the Accessible Education Office hopes to level the playing field for all students. After catching wind of a state-of-the-art skyscraper recently constructed atop Mt. Everest’s highest peak, Harvard did not hesitate to stake a claim on the new real estate. Naturally, the administration decided that the AEO would be the most appropriate candidate for this new location.

HUPD Crime Log: March 2017

While you were away on spring break, HUPD was busy keeping Harvard safe. Here are some calls that came across the HUPD wire:
Officer dispatched to a report of existential angst. Subject had come to terms with own mortality upon arrival.
Officers alerted to an "old hag" shouting obscenities and disturbing students in Harvard Yard. Arrived promptly and apprehended the woman, one Drew Faust who claimed she was the president of the whole university - can you believe that? Officers currently keeping an eye on her.

95 Theses Nailed to Religion Department Office Ahead of Deadline

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Ahead of the senior thesis deadline, Comparative Study of Religion concentrators nailed 95 theses to the office of the Committee on the Study of Religion.
"The reception desk would have worked just fine," said a flustered Director of Undergraduate Studies Courtney Bickel Lamberth as she dislodged several theses from the office's door. "I don't understand how there are so many. We only have a dozen seniors!"

DeVos Wheels TV into Education Department, Plays Magic School Bus

WASHINGTON, DC – In an unprecedented move toward bureaucratic reform, newly-appointed United States Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos surprised her employees Friday morning when she brought a television atop a tall cart into Department of Education offices.


The Crimson Arts Reviews "Snow Day"

"Snow Day" Flawed But Compelling

By Galadriel T. Winnowsworth

Snow, from the Old English snaw, meaning “snow,” and day, from the Latin diem, meaning day. These are the building blocks of a snow day. Today’s Snow Day deconstructs the typical snow day, breaking it down to its most basic parts. It is this attention to the fundamentals that has made Snow Day such a rousing success among audiences across Harvard.

Drew Faust Burns Down Kirkland House for the Insurance Money

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Citing the fiscal benefits of arson insurance fraud, Harvard University President Drew G. Faust set Kirkland House aflame on Thursday.