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Student Blows Through All Two Sports Facts He Knows 30 Seconds Into Conversation

Two people talking.

LOWELL DINING HALL — Alex C. Smith '19 found himself at a loss on Wednesday after using up the only two sports facts he knows roughly 30 seconds into dinnertime small talk.

The painful conversation began when Lisa H. Jenkins '18 asked Smith, her former section acquaintance, whether he had caught the big game as the two waited for their grill orders.

“How ’bout those Packers, am I right?” he replied, relying on fact number one. “17-9 against the Seahawks is no easy feat.”

Report: 80% of Students Half-Assed Title IX Training During Lecture

Cambridge MA – A report has found that a majority of Harvard students last week decided to complete their Title IX online training in the middle of their early morning classes. Classrooms all over campus were filled with brightly lit laptops displaying a scenic Harvard Yard backdrop overlaid with tips about how to access various resources related to sexual assault and harassment on campus, as students half-paid attention.

Harvard Replaces Academic Advisors with Bots that Text Students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” Every Three Seconds

Citing recent findings that Harvard students are needy little bitches, Harvard officials declared this morning that the University will replace all academic advisors with messenger bots that text students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” every three seconds. 

The decision occurred after the release of this year’s Crimson survey, which revealed that 89% of undergraduates have a dire need for unconditional affirmation.  

Feminist Win! Hasty Pudding to Let Woman of the Year Operate Lights at Man of the Year Ceremony

A lighting structure.

Talk about progress! Today the all-male Hasty Pudding, the nation's oldest theater company, announced that it will let next year's Woman of the Year operate the lights during its annual Man of the Year ceremony.

Now that's a WIN! Am I right, ladies?

Hasty Pudding Diversifies Production with First-Ever Animal Cast Members

A tiger in Farkas Hall.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Saturday, the executive board members of the Hasty Pudding Theatricals officially announced their decision to allow animals to audition for this year’s production of “Noah’s (F)Ark(as).”

Dance, Monkey, Dance

By Your Campus Recruiter

Ah, recruiting season. I’ll let you all in on a little secret: this is my favorite time of the year. I know how much students hate recruiting season. But I’ll be honest, it’s just so much fun for a campus recruiter like me. Sure, I had to go through this song and dance once upon a time, but now I get to be the puppet master!

Mankiw Enrolls in Expos 40 to Overcome Fear of Public Speaking

Cambridge, MA – Harvard professor and conservative economist N. Gregory Mankiw announced via his blog, Greg Mankiw’s Blog, that he will be enrolling in Expos 40: Public Speaking Practicum to overcome his fear of public speaking.

Throughout decades of serving as course head for Economics 10a and 10b, students frequently reported that Mankiw could not deliver an entire lecture without fleeing the stage in distress, forcing a guest lecturer to speak in his place.

Fourth Classes Tired of Being Called “Easy”

After a series of vicious rumors swept Harvard’s campus during the Fall 2017 shopping period, fourth classes have banded together to declare that they are not, in fact, “easy As.” GenEds of all distribution requirements have stated that they are fed up with the broad generalizations students make about them. In a written statement, the fourth classes said that they wish to increase awareness as to the harmfulness of the stigma.

Harvard Reacts: Controversy over Admissions Practices

Widener Library

Recently, the Justice Department announced that it will investigate Harvard's admissions practices, and now the university has come under public scrutiny:

"Admission should be based on one factor: How many 501c3s have you founded?"
        –Alex R. Watson ’20, Founder of Kids Taking on Chlamydia

The Tragicall Historie of President Faustus

By Christopher Marlowe

Christopher Marlowe's classic 1588 tragedy, President Faustus, remains a landmark work of Renaissance literature. Telling the story of a brilliant but hubristic academic who sells her soul to the devil in return for 10 years of unlimited power, it has enchanted ExxonMobil CEOs and SEAS faculty alike for centuries. Satire V is proud to present Marlowe's original draft of the iconic last soliloquy.

Ah, Faustus,

Now hast thou but one bare year to be president,

And then thou must be damn'd perpetually!

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