Nervous for First Year Orientation? Never fear! We here at the First Year Experience Office have compiled a list of answers to frequently asked questions for your convenience: 

Q: Are tea kettles permitted  in the dorms?

A: No. Ever since Samuel Adams (Class of 1740) led the Boston Tea Party, the Harvard Administration has been wary of permitting undergraduate students access to tea. In turn, tea kettles are prohibited within Harvard dormitories 

Q: Where can I go if I have a mental health concern?

NEW HAVEN, CT--Ahead of the much-anticipated annual match-up between the Harvard and Yale football teams, scouting reports indicate the Yale  Football team is watching The Sound of Music as a morale-building exercise.

NEW HAVEN, CT -- After the Yale College Republicans endorsed GOP nominee Donald Trump for President today, Satire V obtained an exclusive list of other things the Yale Republicans endorse. Here is just a small sample from that list:

Last Wednesday, the President of Yale University, Richard Charles Levin revealed that the Yale Office of Admissions will now be providing weekly transportation to Harvard’s Cambridge campus in order to provide tours to current Yalies.

“It’s for the best,” he said in his email blast last week. Signed with “Opa Gangam Style, Dick,” the missive sanctioned the Yale Pep Club to give student-led tours of Harvard.