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Harvard

Report: Freshman Entrywaymates Still Intolerable

ANNENBERG HALL—Peter R. Simmons '18 had a full-circle moment at the Senior Brunch on Sunday when he realized that he still cannot stand his freshman entrywaymates. 
 
Simmons—who wore his nicest pair of khakis to the Senior Brunch, where he met up with the group of similar-looking jocks that the Freshman Dean's Office erroneously thought he would jive with—reflected on the passage of time as he found that he still has absolutely nothing to say to any of the people he lived with for a year.
 

Need ONE more girl for IM volleyball tonight or we kill the first hostage!

Intramural volleyball game

By your IM rep

Hey, house friends! We just need ONE more girl for IM volleyball tonight!! Come join us at the QRAC at 6pm or we will be forced to shoot a hostage!

BREAKING: Student Stops, Says Hello to Acquaintance

talking

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. — Andrew R. Gray '20, walking down Plympton St. after his 10 a.m. lecture in Sever Hall, reportedly stopped and said hello to Samantha P. Gardner '20, an okay friend of one of his blockmates, as she passed by in the other direction.  

Onlookers’ responses to the quick exchange varied, from shock and confusion to wonder and delight. “Huh, I typically just contort my mouth in a bizarre, only partially expressive way when I pass someone I know but don’t really know on the street,” said Sarah E. Johnson '18.

Harvard Math Department Proves They Definitely Aren't Sexist By Counterexample

AUSTINE & CHILTON MCDONNELL COMMON ROOM—In a move that shocked the global mathematics community Thursday evening, the Harvard Department of Mathematics managed to prove that they definitely aren’t sexist by counterexample.

“If we were sexist, we wouldn’t hire any female professors. Since we have hired a female professor, we aren’t sexist. QED,” read an official statement issued by several senior faculty members in the Math Department. “For all the ladies out there, that’s a little tool called the contrapositive.”

Tragic: This Girl Said Hi to Someone at the Science Center Before Realizing They Were Both Going to Dunster

Walking
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – After saying hi to Larry T. Samuels '18 on the Science Center Plaza today, Lara R. Garcia '18 was struck by the horrible realization that they were both going to Dunster.

Garcia knew that she was doomed moments after she asked, "Where are you headed?" The 13-minute, 0.6-mile walk from the Science Center to Dunster takes roughly 12 minutes longer than the amount of time Samuels and Garcia have ever spent together and is about 0.5 miles farther than the amount of space they have ever walked together.
 

Fraternity Takes “Girls-Only” Too Far, Accidentally Creates Safe Space for Women

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After lamenting the lack of girls at Phi Beta Rho parties, pledge master Michael R. Jones '19 created a girls-only policy so strict that he accidentally created a safe space for women.

The new policy took hold after a Phi Beta Rho business meeting last week, at which Jones discussed his grievances. "None of the brothers have gotten laid in so long," he explained. "A minimum 10:1 girl-to-guy ratio would guarantee at least a couple of chicks willing to overlook our casual misogyny and obvious sense of entitlement.”

Announcing the Unyielding Consolidation of Power

Khurana
Dear Harvard College Students,
 
Today I am writing to announce that we will be integrating the functions of the Freshman Dean's Office, the Office of Student Life, the Office of the Registrar, the Office of the Dean of Harvard College, and various other offices into one larger, and much more powerful, Office of Harvard College. And all of you will tremble at the might of this office.
 

It’s 4:20 O’Clock Somewhere

Dean of Freshmen Tom Dingman
By Thomas A. “Tommy D” Dingman, Dean of Freshmen at Harvard College
 
Dear Harvard students and affiliates,
 

Harvard Classics Add “Department of” to Name to Secure University Funding for Postseason Tournament

court

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. - Desperate for money to cover airfare to the national championships, the Harvard Classics, Harvard's top club basketball team, has decided to add “Department of” to its name in a strategic ploy for university funding.

I Am Tired of Living a Lie

Drew Faust and Tim Cook

By Tim "Drew Gilpin Faust" Cook

Dear Members of the Harvard community,

As you are aware, I am resigning from my role as the president of Harvard University. On June 30, 2018, I will complete my 11th year of service, and the Harvard Campaign will reach its conclusion.

This was a difficult decision, but I think that it was the right one for one simple reason: I am actually also Apple CEO Tim Cook, and my entire life is a lie.

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