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Harvard

Proctor Shocked After Nobody Attends Cocaine-Themed Study Break

common room filled with piles of cocaine
CANADAY BASEMENT — In a disheartening setback for student life at Harvard College, Canaday G proctor Noah R. Wellings confirmed that zero freshmen showed up to his Wednesday night study break, despite the fact that it was based entirely around recreational cocaine use.
 

You Go, Girl! Economics Department Proud of Its Generous Curves

People giving thumbs ups
On a grade-obsessed campus, Harvard's Economics department is taking a bold stance: The department announced today that it is proud of all of the generous curves its courses provide. You go, girl!
 
"It's a sad fact that most media just don't talk positively about classes with big curves," said a department spokesperson. "I can't remember the last time I saw a Q guide review that empowered classes just happen to be a little more inflated."
 

Andrew Berry Announces Clothing Line of Just Navy Polos and Grey Sweaters

Glamour magazine featuring Andrew Berry
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Dr. Andrew Berry, Harvard Lecturer in Organismic and Evolutionary Biology and style legend, has announced the launch of his new clothing line, "The Natural Selection," which consists of literally only navy blue polo shirts and grey v-neck sweaters.
 

Area Student Pretty Much Done with Paper After Thinking of Punny Title

man at computer

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Area student Mark K. Anderson '20—who has yet to start the necessary readings for his U.S. in the World paper due tomorrow—feels pretty much done with the assignment now that he has compiled a thick list of puns for the title. All that remains is the final 11-and-a-half pages.

“My TF will be so entertained by these punderful topics that she won’t even ask how I spent the three weeks I was supposed to be drafting and redrafting this paper,” Anderson asserted.

Report: That Shit You Took in the Woods During FOP Is Still Decomposing

THE WOODS — Reports surfaced on Thursday that the shit you took in the woods during your FOP trip over three-and-a-half years ago is still decomposing.

While you moved on with your life—as you went through four Housing Days, one thesis, 32 classes, three summer internships, and eight winter and spring breaks—that pile of shit has just been sitting there under the tree you defecated behind one hot August day.

Harvard Reacts: Grad Student Unionization

widener library at harvard
"You rapscallions have bested me this time, but hear this: when your good old union fails, you'll come crawling back to my arms, and I'll remember where your loyalties lay."
– Alan M. Garber, Provost of Harvard University
 
"Sure."
– Garrett Young, voted for unionization
 

Email Will Skirt Around Actual Issue, Indicates Vague Subject Line

Email subject line reads "Incident on Friday"
AN INBOX — The vague subject line of an email sent by a campus administrator indicates that the message will dodge the actual issue at hand—in this case, police brutality against a black undergraduate.
 
"Oh boy, this is going to be a thorough hand-wringing," thought Ryan C. Dennison '20 as he opened a message from President Faust with the subject line "Incident on Friday." Dennison added, "No one in charge is going to take responsibility for anything at all, are they?" as he scrolled through the missive.
 

Freshman Suspended After Fucking up Veritaffle for Ninth Weekend in a Row

veritaffle

B10 IN THE 'BERG—In a display of administrative authority, Oak Yard Dean Madeline Currie placed Jake R. Laferty '21 on an unspecified leave of absence after the Thayer resident somehow managed to fuck up his veritaffle for the ninth brunch in a row. 

Prefrosh Wonders If Watching Eleganza Counts as Losing Virginity

eleganza catwalk

CAMBRIDGE, MAPrefrosh Max R. Jacobs ’22, who attended Eleganza this weekend, is wondering whether going to the show counted as losing his virginity.

 Jacobs had low expectations when his host, Ryan C. Lee '19, invited him to “a dance fashion show, I guess?” at the Bright Landry Hockey Center. But after Eleganza had ended, Jacobs was surprised to find that he might no longer be a virgin.

Harvard Gate Erected Since 1889 Finally Goes to See Doctor

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Harvard’s Johnston Gate, which was erected in 1889 and is still erect all these years later, finally went to see a doctor.

Dr. Kevin L. Bradley, Johnston’s primary physician, could not believe how long the gate had been erect. “Usually, if a gate is erect for 40 years or more we recommend it goes to see a doctor right away, especially when it’s not wood,” he said.

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