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Larry Bacow Invests Your Leftover BoardPlus Into The Prison Industrial Complex

CAMBRIDGE, MA- With the 2018-19 academic year drawing to a close, President Larry Bacow announced that undergraduate students’ remaining BoardPlus will be invested in the prison industrial complex—Every penny not spent on soy lattes and muffins will be directed toward the containment and dehumanization of human beings.

I’m Sick (of You)

By Paul J. Barreira, M.D.

Dear Colleagues, 

As we enter the springtime resolving to do better by our world, our communities, our families, and ourselves, I want to share some thoughts with you about how I’m beyond elated to be done with you miserable, unhygienic fucks.

As Tensions Escalate Between Bon Me and Saloniki, SwissBakers Declares its Neutrality

SMITH CAMPUS CENTER — As tensions escalate between the Greek Saloniki and the Vietnamese Bon Me restaurants, SwissBakers has lived up to its name, issuing a declaration of neutrality. With stores around the Square hurrying to pick a side, the Smith Center eatery hopes to remain above the fray, maintaining Swiss bake accounts for all involved. The news comes as a shock to Harvard political analysts, many of whom were surprised to learn that SwissBakers was still in business.

Most Confident Man Alive Eats Full Meal in Class

CAMBRIDGE, MA - As Jason Lennon 20’ committed his usual massacre of 18 hard boiled eggs and a cruciferous vegetable assembly during his 9am lecture on "The Responsibilities of Public Action", the brunch’s miasmic vapor caused Jason to be the most hated person in the room while simultaneously ruining the carpeting in Emerson 210 for the rest of eternity.

Prestigious Harvard Institution Will Photoshop Your Child's College Pictures for JUST $1999.99!!! Here is Our Portfolio

New Site-Specific Show Envisions King Lear in Dumpster Behind Adams

CAMBRIDGE,MA- This Thursday, the Harvard Radcliffe Dramatic Club announced an exciting, experimental addition to its spring Season: a production of King Lear that takes place entirely inside the dumpster behind Claverly Hall. 

Lear is a story about the filthy world of politics,” said director Liam Reynolds. “That’s why in our production, we immerse the audience in a space that confronts them with the filth of human greed, murder, and soggy Domino’s boxes.”

Harvard Admissions En Garde After Fencing Coach’s Scheme Foiled

This past week, allegations surfaced that Harvard fencing coach Peter Brand recruited athletes in a bribing scheme that is sure to leave many people piste off.

“We discussed the pay-off over a meal,” said Jack Burr, the father who sold Brand’s house. “We planned for dinner, but his schedule was tight so we settled for lunge. He told me ‘Mr. Burr, I’ll get your son into Harvard if you sell my house for hundreds of thousands dollars more than it’s worth. It’s a good deal. What do you say...burr?’ I was so excited that I thought I was going to feint.”

Based on Your Lack of Rejection, I Have Made Arrangements to Join Your Company for an Internship this Summer

Business card

To Whom It May Concern,

I hope this email finds you well! As you’re probably well aware, I applied to the summer intern position at your company 3 months ago. And since my mom always tells me “No news is good news”, I’ve started making arrangements to join your team this coming summer! It’s just like I said in that cover letter that you definitely read, I’m proactive!

Hundreds Join Divest Protest as Final Attempt to Shut Down Yardfest

CAMBRIDGE, MA - On Sunday, as Harvard students filled the Yard to watch Kiiara and Bazzi perform at Yardfest, the Divest Harvard and Harvard Prison Divestment Campaigns held a rally with a record breaking number of people in attendance. The high turnout was not actually in support of the divestment effort, but rather in an effort to shut down the music festival, as the divestment groups had done to President Larry Bacow’s talk earlier in the week.

O and I, or E and A? Our Best Guess at the Missing Vowels in YRD FST

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- The Tercentenary Theater was a sight to see this past Sunday afternoon, as linguists swarmed the yard to tackle the most pressing intellectual caper in the department's history. Their quest? Deceptively simple. Deduce the missing vowels in CEB’s tastefully yet confusingly abbreviated moniker for the day’s revelry: YRD FST.

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