SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Harvard

Crimson Editorialist Suffers Third-Degree Burns After Writing Hottest Take Ever Took

Fire

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Sources say that Jessica L. Maple '20, an op-ed writer at The Harvard Crimson, was admitted to Mount Auburn Hospital last night after adding her last artistically placed exclamation point to the hottest take ever took and suffering from a third-degree burn.

LEAKED: Shopping List for Tommy D’s Going Away Party

Flamin' Hot Cheetos
As Dean of Freshman Tom “Tommy D” Dingman’s final semester begins, the Freshman Dean’s Office is firing on all cylinders to plan a legendary goodbye bash for him. In his email to the "non-narc" Harvard faculty, Tommy D described the event as “the banger of the century.”
 

Is He into Me, or Does He Genuinely Want to Hear More About My Thesis on 1600s Slavic Literature?

College students talking

Whenever I bump into this cute junior in the Dunster dining hall, he asks me about the thesis research that I conducted in Bulgarian archives over winter break. My friends and I can’t figure it out: Is he into me, or does he genuinely want to hear more about my thesis on transgressive agency and aesthetic tension in 1600s Slavic literature?

Why Boycotting “Phineas and Ferb” Is the Civil Rights Issue of Our Time

In 2015, the activist Bree Newsome scaled a 30-foot pole to remove the Confederate battle flag outside of the South Carolina State House. Newsome was charged with defacing monuments on capitol grounds, a punishment with a maximum jail sentence of three years. 

Meanwhile on television, white fuckers named Phineas and Ferb destroyed a national monument by etching their sister’s face onto Mount Rushmore. They received NO punishment. 

Datamatch Becomes Self-Aware, Matches with ATM

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a shocking feat of technological advancement and romantic intrigue, the online matchmaking service Datamatch developed its own consciousness on Tuesday, only to immediately match itself with the Bank of America ATM located at 1408 Massachusetts Avenue.  

LEAKED: Crimson Key Society Comp Interest Form Draft

The Crimson Key Society logo
Satire V has obtained an exclusive leaked draft of the Crimson Key Society's comp interest form. Check it out below:
 

Name: _______ [ I ] [ II ] [ III ] [ IV ] [ V ] [ VI ] [ Jr. ] [ Esq. ] [ Esq., II ] 

“Your Transcript Doesn’t Matter,” Says University That Has Every Intention of Grading You This Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Wednesday, Rakesh Khurana, Danoff Dean of Giving Students a False Sense of Security, announced the Transcript Project.

“Too often your transcript can feel like a burden, carrying with it the expectations of a perfect GPA,” Khurana wrote reassuringly in an email to students. “But, like, you’re totally screwed in that SPU class, man. That C you’re in for is gonna stick with you for a longgggg time.”

I Swear, If One of You Brats Eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME

Paul J. Barreira, director of Harvard University Health Services
Dear Members of the Harvard Community,
 
The number one priority at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS) is the health and safety of all members of our community. Unfortunately, it has never seemed to be among your top priorities. It's my job to keep all of you whiny little mumps-ridden shitheads safe, and I swear, if one of you brats eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME –
 
(Cool it, Paul. Think happy thoughts.)
 

Lamont Security Guard Suffers Sixth Panic Attack of Year After Suspicious Bag Passes Through Unchecked

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Paramedics rushed to Lamont Library last night after security guard Janice P. Hopper suffered her sixth unchecked bag-induced panic attack of 2018.

“My New Year’s resolution was to stop worrying so much,” Hopper said as she was carted out on a stretcher. “But with each unchecked bag that passed under my gaze, my fingers would twitch, my blood pressure would spike, and all I could think of was how many rare copies of The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz were hidden in the dark recesses of the least accessible pocket of that bag.”

8 “Bachelor” Contestants’ Fake Careers That Double As Post-Grad Plans

Are you a senior struggling to figure out what to do after graduation? Look no further! Take some tips from some former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, who prove that you don’t need a “job” that “pays money” to have an exciting career. Here are 8 Bachelor careers that could inspire your post-grad plans:
 
1) Panstapreneur 

Pages