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Friendship Pecking Order Determined by Narrowing of Sidewalk

Scary sidewalk

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a harrowing ordeal this past Friday, Timmy R. Simon was devastated to learn that he was the ranked quite low on the friendship pecking order after being forced to walk behind his other four friends as the sidewalk narrowed along Mass Ave.

“One second we were cruising,” Simon recounted, “and then all of a sudden two trash cans and a tree appeared out of nowhere. Almost instantaneously I found myself alone as the rest of the dudes fell into perfect square formation.”

The Only Beautiful Sex is the Handjob I'm Giving to the Crimson Editorial Staff to Publish This Op-Ed

Sex week

by Anti-Sex Week Columnist

Guy Who RSVP'ed to Sex Week Event Clearly Fucks

Photo of a boy

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On Tuesday Carl Honenberg ’20 RSVP’ed “going” on Sex Week’s "Talk Dirty to Me" event, letting every one of his Facebook friends know, once and for all, that he definitely "fucks."

“I was pretty sure Carl fucks,” roommate Andrew Yaeger commented yesterday. “He basically never stops talking about 'them chicks,' but it’s good that Sex Week has given me truly concrete opportunity to know that Carl unquestionably fucks.” 

Excellence in Diversity: Six All-Male Final Clubs Represented in Sophomore Blocking Group

DUNSTER HOUSE — This fall’s punch presents the Harvard community with an unmatched opportunity for an enriched education: against all odds and sanctions, a new sophomore blocking group has reported featuring at least one member from all six all-male final clubs. 

The Function Mapping Your CS121 Performance to a Good Grade is Uncomputable

Boaz

By: Boaz Barak (instructor), Brain Sapozhnikov (Head TF), Albert Chalom, Alexis Ross, Charles O’Mara, Larry Bacow, Barak Obama, Barack Obama, Alan Turing, David Malan, David MalNAND, Bonnie from Lev, Mark Zuckerberg (Extension TF), Ivanka Trump (Patel Fellow)

 

Hi all,

Many students have asked why the quizzes, problem sets, and midterm have been so NP-hard to NP-complete. Well I NAND'd the numbers and their prefix-free encodings, and it appears that the function mapping your CS121 performance to a good grade is actually uncomputable.

Harvard Printing Ranked 1,322 by US News and World Report

printer

Cambridge, MA—In a crushing blow to the world’s premier research institution, Harvard’s new university-wide printing network—officially designated as “CrimsonPrint”— has been ranked 1,322 by US News and World Report.

According to the authors, Harvard scored zero on nearly all of the reports metrics, and would have likely scored lower had it not been for grade inflation. 

Dinner Gathers, and Now My Watch Begins

Leverett Dining Hall
by Bonnie, the Lev Dhall Swiper
 
For years I have guarded this hall. Other great Houses encroach upon our territory year after year, testing our defenses in the form of dining restrictions. None but I, Bonnie, the HUID swiper of the ancient House of Leverett, stand in the way of a hygienic, orderly, and altogether pleasant dining experience, and utter chaos. For I must follow that most sacred oath of Harvard University Dining Services. This I swear and do repeat to myself before each meal be opened:
 

Roommate’s Sleeptalking Takes Hard Left Turn into Green Party Politics

woman sleeping

STONE HALL— In a move that shocked her dozing roommate, sleeptalker Eleanor S. Reiner ’20’s nighttime musings turned from that boy Jon in her Hist and Lit section to the environmentalism and anti-war stance of the Green Party of the United States (GPUS).

Hear Ye, Hear Ye: This Morn is the Coronation of Lawrence II

O fair citizens of Harvard Yard!
O munificent donors in woolen garb!
I am but a poor, mumps-ridden wretch, but today is a blessed day for me and all who congregate at this educational institution!

Gaze at the faire chair setup! Look upon the beauteous banners! Attune your ears to the lilting lutes on this luscious lawn! How sweet to be here on this morn!

Come one, come all! Rejoice in the festivities for our dearest, fearlessest leader!

Do not dawdle, make haste!

Preceptors Shocked No Freshmen Enroll in Expos 20: Anomalies of Soybean Germination

Woman in Soybean Field

CAMBRIDGE – The faculty and staff of the Harvard College Writing Program announced today that not a single first-year had enrolled in a section of Expository Writing 20 entitled “Anomalies of Soybean Germination” despite its anticipated popularity.

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