SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Harvard

Report: That Shit You Took in the Woods During FOP Is Still Decomposing

THE WOODS — Reports surfaced on Thursday that the shit you took in the woods during your FOP trip over three-and-a-half years ago is still decomposing.

While you moved on with your life—as you went through four Housing Days, one thesis, 32 classes, three summer internships, and eight winter and spring breaks—that pile of shit has just been sitting there under the tree you defecated behind one hot August day.

Harvard Reacts: Grad Student Unionization

widener library at harvard
"You rapscallions have bested me this time, but hear this: when your good old union fails, you'll come crawling back to my arms, and I'll remember where your loyalties lay."
– Alan M. Garber, Provost of Harvard University
 
"Sure."
– Garrett Young, voted for unionization
 

Email Will Skirt Around Actual Issue, Indicates Vague Subject Line

Email subject line reads "Incident on Friday"
AN INBOX — The vague subject line of an email sent by a campus administrator indicates that the message will dodge the actual issue at hand—in this case, police brutality against a black undergraduate.
 
"Oh boy, this is going to be a thorough hand-wringing," thought Ryan C. Dennison '20 as he opened a message from President Faust with the subject line "Incident on Friday." Dennison added, "No one in charge is going to take responsibility for anything at all, are they?" as he scrolled through the missive.
 

Freshman Suspended After Fucking up Veritaffle for Ninth Weekend in a Row

veritaffle

B10 IN THE 'BERG—In a display of administrative authority, Oak Yard Dean Madeline Currie placed Jake R. Laferty '21 on an unspecified leave of absence after the Thayer resident somehow managed to fuck up his veritaffle for the ninth brunch in a row. 

Prefrosh Wonders If Watching Eleganza Counts as Losing Virginity

eleganza catwalk

CAMBRIDGE, MAPrefrosh Max R. Jacobs ’22, who attended Eleganza this weekend, is wondering whether going to the show counted as losing his virginity.

 Jacobs had low expectations when his host, Ryan C. Lee '19, invited him to “a dance fashion show, I guess?” at the Bright Landry Hockey Center. But after Eleganza had ended, Jacobs was surprised to find that he might no longer be a virgin.

Harvard Gate Erected Since 1889 Finally Goes to See Doctor

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Harvard’s Johnston Gate, which was erected in 1889 and is still erect all these years later, finally went to see a doctor.

Dr. Kevin L. Bradley, Johnston’s primary physician, could not believe how long the gate had been erect. “Usually, if a gate is erect for 40 years or more we recommend it goes to see a doctor right away, especially when it’s not wood,” he said.

Prefrosh Who Took SAT and Prefrosh Who Took ACT Have Literally Nothing to Talk About

talking

THE YARD — Two prospective members of the Class of 2022—one of whom took the SAT and the other of whom took the ACT—found during Visitas that they had literally nothing to talk about.

Sarah E. Kim, a 17-year-old from Connecticut, got a 1580 on her SAT. Matt R. Murphy, an 18-year-old from Iowa, got a 36 on his ACT. Once it became apparent that standardized test scores would not work as a conversation starter, Kim and Murphy realized they do not know anything about any other topics.

Inspiring! Harvard Bans Coffeemakers so This Student Eats Coffee Beans

coffee beans
Harvard does not allow coffeemakers in the dorms, but that doesn't stop Ryan R. Jacobson '21 from caffeinating! When Jacobson needs his daily boost of energy, he grabs a handful of perfectly roasted coffee beans and pops them in his mouth for a crunchy pick-me-up. What an inspiration! 
 
"I don't really like to break the rules," said Jacobson, the moral pillar of this university. "So when the student handbook said we couldn't have any cooking appliances, I ran to the store and bought myself a jar of Folgers coffee beans. Just straight-up coffee beans." 

QUIZ: Is Your Prefrosh Cooler Than You?

guy
It's that time of year again: You're hosting a prefrosh for Visitas, and you're not sure if the thing that they are referencing is a new AP exam or a drug you've never tried. Is your prefrosh cooler than you are? Take this handy quiz to find out!
 
You stalk them beforehand. Their Facebook profile picture...
a) is a blurry picture of a meme and/or car.
c) is a senior yearbook photo.
d) has more likes than yours, loser.
 
When they arrive, they bring:

Drew Faust Launches New Capstone Sustainability Project by Hand-Tilling the Yard

faust

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. — Just a couple weeks before her 17-year career as Harvard's president comes to a close, Drew Faust surprised the Harvard community by announcing the implementation of a capstone Harvard sustainability project.

Dressed in denim overalls, a plaid red flannel, and a matching red bandana, Faust took to the University Hall steps to outline, before a confused smattering of nearby tourists and students, the "transformative new initiative."

Pages