CAMBRIDGE, MA — While the Class of 2019 will remember tonight as an evening of fun with lifelong friends, Thomas H. “Tommy D” Dingman ’68 will only remember it as an important lesson on the dangers of drinking too much after the self-proclaimed Dean of Phresh pregamed too hard and had to miss the dance entirely. 

Dear Harvard Students, 

Remember to claim your HarvardKey, the new replacement for HUID/PIN, before the end of the academic year. 

To get started, visit Harvard.edu/seriouslyjustclaimyourstupidkeyalready, or else.

Please note, your current HUID/PIN login credentials will soon expire within 30 days, and if you do not claim your HarvardKey, you will slowly begin to disappear.  To avoid any interruption to computer and email access, or your everyday life as you know it as a visible human being, we strongly recommended that you claim your HarvardKey now. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A mass demonstration was held in Harvard Square this weekend by the mothers of Harvard students protesting HSA Cleaners, a student-run organization that offers laundry services to undergraduates at the College. The mothers have announced that they were shocked to hear that their children were not learning how to perform this “basic household task” while away at school.

STUDENT ORGANIZATION CENTER AT HILLES -- Harvard's student body came together in a rare moment of unity in the SOCH today to lie to prefrosh about student life during Visitas accepted students weekend.

“Wow, we have so many things to do on the weekend!” discreetly shouted Elliot L. Morris ’17, member of a campus publication, as high school students emerged from the Harvard Square T stop and stepped out of taxis in Harvard Square. “I feel so welcome here, and I like every person so much!” He added that he and his friends had finally learned to smile.

 CAMBRIDGE, MA – At 11:43 last night, tragedy struck the Weld community when, out of nowhere, resident Alicia Cantor was assaulted by the piercing gaze of fellow freshman Abigail Bradley, who was awkwardly boxed out of Cantor’s blocking group just two weeks before. Despite her best efforts to flee the scene, Cantor remained locked in a stone-cold stare with Bradley for a full four seconds, which Cantor described as “the most painful of [her] entire life.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After months of long, drawn-out debate, the Fox Graduate Board announced today that they would be willing to provisionally recognize female members. In a landmark statement issued to SatireV, the president of the graduate board Philip P. Pondswater III announced that following months of deliberation on integration, the Fox would recognize female members as three fifths of a member. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA–Speaking after a recent meeting, local EMTs were thrilled that Visitas was less than a week away.

“Being an EMT is very rewarding, but sometimes it can get pretty dull,” explained Jenny Roberts, who has worked as a first-responder in the Harvard area for the last six years. “When we’re not responding to a call, we just sit in the back of the ambulance playing Settlers of Catan, so it’s always nice when we have a big event like Visitas that we know will give us something to do.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following the Porcellian Club’s public statement against coed final clubs, the membership of the Delphic Club are now worrying that their status as Harvard’s least likable final club, long accepted and a point of pride for the organization, may be in doubt.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In a shocking move, the Porcellian Club broke several centuries of silence to come out in support of the status quo. Graduate Board president Charles M. Storey wrote in an email that present circumstances drove him to make this statement. “This is the first time an officer of the PC has granted an on the record statement to a newspaper since our founding in 1791. We would, ideally, like to return to that time and its social norms.”