CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Tuesday evening, freshmen Rachel Stein ’23 and Jessica Williams ’23 were seen studying in the Smith Campus Center when Williams let slip to Stein that she was not of New York blood. 

As Stein and Williams bonded over their LS1a pset, Williams mentioned to Stein that she was from Nebraska. Williams remembered that Stein immediately seemed to disengage from the conversation and cited a mandatory entryway event she had forgotten about. She then abruptly got up from her seat, grabbed her Pavement latté, and walked hurriedly out the door. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Harvard College freshman Adam Renner ‘23, native of Belmont, Massachusetts, wondered aloud if social life on campus ever improves or if all (male) undergrads reach a point in their college experience where they admit defeat and surrender to the cruel, relentless cycle of false hope and misery awaiting them inside the fiery gates of Hell between the hours of 9pm and 3am every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard College will accept less fresh men to the class of 2022, Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 said in an interview this week. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Erin H. Miller ’20, a freshman in Thayer, informed her adviser on Monday that she absolutely cannot—under any circumstances—fit her resume onto fewer than four pages.

The showdown occurred when Melissa P. Williams, a lecturer in Economics, suggested that Miller condense her resume to one page as she applies for summer internships.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Ignoring advice from his PAF and academic adviser, Kendrick Murphy ’20 reportedly enrolled in five friendships when completing his study card on Friday.

“Shopping week was crazy. I had to leave an 11 am lunch date fifteen minutes in to make it to a lifting sesh with Chad Brockington,” remarked Murphy. “It was hard for me to narrow my list down to just five after shopping fifteen people.”

 CAMBRIDGE, MA – At 11:43 last night, tragedy struck the Weld community when, out of nowhere, resident Alicia Cantor was assaulted by the piercing gaze of fellow freshman Abigail Bradley, who was awkwardly boxed out of Cantor’s blocking group just two weeks before. Despite her best efforts to flee the scene, Cantor remained locked in a stone-cold stare with Bradley for a full four seconds, which Cantor described as “the most painful of [her] entire life.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– The desirability of river houses compared to the Quad is widely recognized by Harvard students within weeks of beginning freshman year. However, despite overwhelming evidence of the Quad’s inferiority, recent investigations have found that it is possible for a delusional mindset to set in following Housing Day; some students, such as newly-minted Pforzheimer resident Eliza Elliott ’19, actually believe they are pleased to be there.

Dear Harvard College Students, Faculty, and Affiliates,