WASHINGTON, DC -- This week, travel to and from the outer rims of the galaxy far, far away in Sector 441, otherwise known as the Radcliffe Quadrangle, might not take so long.

After consulting with the Peter Pan Express, NASA has decided to shave off flight time by skipping the second star to the right and directly going straight on ’til morning. The new flight plan will still launch and land at the same sites on both the planet Earth and the Quad.

[AllHouse] Re: The Lottery

Dear members of the house community,

The Lottery is upon us!

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

The clock is ticking. For time, that is.

As I am sure you are aware by now, the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences will complete its move to Allston by 2020. In accordance with the second law of thermodynamics, the Office of Career Services will reach New York by 2035, Farkas Hall will exit the Laniakea Supercluster by 3010, and the particles of the Lamont Media Room will be strewn across the Hubble Deep Field by 8100. In anticipation of this campus growth, however, time itself will have to end first.

WINTHROP HOUSE--Area mouse and Winthrop House resident Cheesers McLongtail was spotted sitting alone in the Winthrop dining hall and browsing Facebook on his computer. However, when approached by his friend Gabrielle Young '17, McLongtail claimed he was "just getting some work done before the weekend."

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Since the beginning of the month, we have confirmed seven-hundred-fifty-nine cases of March madness in the Harvard community. Harvard University Health Services (HUHS) has been working closely with the Cambridge Public Health Department and the Massachusetts Department of Public Health to track and evaluate the scope of the March madness exposure in the Harvard community.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a press conference this morning, Harvard University President Drew Faust announced that “the mumps outbreak plaguing the campus was just a prank this whole time." Faust, notorious for underperforming on April Fool’s Day, went all out this year, trying to come up with a plan that would redeem her for all past years. Faust stepped up to the podium, struggling to contain her jubilance, and managed to say “I got you so good!” before breaking into hysterical laughter for 3 straight minutes in front of a silent press. 

CAMBRIDGE-– Harvard’s Office of Admissions and Financial Aid ­had a record year in receiving 39,000 applications for the Class of 2020. As a result, the office also broke its record for applications thrown away, with more than 35,000 tossed out. Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid William R. Fitzsimmons ’67 was thrilled with the higher numbers.

“It’s tough increasing the number of applications we get to throw away every year, but we get it done,” he said. “This year was great-– we dashed the hopes and dreams of tens of thousands of kids!”