GREENOUGH - Without a single thing going on in his life that could possibly require his attendance, total fucking loser Troy Pollan has indicated that he is available for every possible time on the doodle poll he has filled out.

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- After Harvard announced that Steven Spielberg would address the Class of 2016 during commencement this spring, Satire V gained exclusive access to speeches that other famous directors submitted for Harvard's approval. Here are some excerpts from a few of those speeches:

J.J. Abrams

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– The desirability of river houses compared to the Quad is widely recognized by Harvard students within weeks of beginning freshman year. However, despite overwhelming evidence of the Quad’s inferiority, recent investigations have found that it is possible for a delusional mindset to set in following Housing Day; some students, such as newly-minted Pforzheimer resident Eliza Elliott ’19, actually believe they are pleased to be there.

By Cognitive Dissonance

Here we go. The big day. I know I’m supposed to be really excited, but I just can’t seem to get myself into the right mood. I have a midterm tomorrow; I’m horrified of getting a bad housing assignment; and I’m going to have to labor endlessly within the subconscious of most of the freshman class. You could say I’m pretty stressed out.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With the deadline for Senior Theses drawing near, students across campus are scrambling to submit their tomes of wisdom in time. However, a thesis isn't complete without an appropriately engaging title to separate the culmination of your attempt at academia from the multitudes. Satire V has curated our favorite titles from this year's collection:

I'm Not Sayin' She's a Gold Digger: Economics and Gender in 1850s California

Snowed In: the Psychosocial Impact of Dandruff 

Blue Moon: Understanding Werewolf Emotions

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After spending hours preparing dinner this evening, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana reportedly urged his wife Stephanie to evaluate the meal on a holistic basis.

As the Faculty Deans of Cabot House sat down for dinner, Dean Khurana, who is also the Marvin Bower Professor of Leadership Development at Harvard Business School, stressed the importance of judging what he cooked on different dimensions. "Perhaps what it lacks in flavor, it makes up for in nutritious value," suggested Dean Khurana. "Not every meal can be flavorful, you know."

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Nick P. Ryan ‘19 is super excited that he has survived his first harsh New England winter. This winter has been especially memorable, marked by some overcast days and 40-degree weather. There have even been two full inches of snow.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Over the past few days, the 2016 Lowell Housing Day video filming has turned sour.

“I signed up to be in the video because I thought it would build house spirit,” a tearful Amanda Burnes ‘18 reported. “But the director is horrible. He made us do, like, sixty different takes of me opening the door.”