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Harvard

Students Excited For Yet Another Disappointing Friday Night

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- As the weekend approaches, eager students get ready to settle back into another semester of disappointing and uneventful Friday nights on campus. Tonight, undergraduates across campus will gather to engage in various social events. Whether students prefer to silently drink vodka in dorm rooms, or attend poorly executed themed parties, Harvard truly has it all.

Other Things Found in Winthrop Walls

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Last week, asbestos found in the building materials of Winthrop House raised concerns about the safety of those unfortunate enough to still live there. Ever dedicated to serious investigative journalism, SatireV sent in a team to discover what other potential safety hazards were lurking in the walls and ceilings. That team never returned. We sent in a second team, because our regard for human life does not exceed our ravenous need for dirt (figurative and literal). This time they had more success.

CS Concentrator Rethinking Career Path After Enrolling in TDM Course

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– Harvard junior Chris Franklin is considering dropping his CS major, which he is four credits away from completing, in order to pursue acting after being accepted into TDM 110: Beginning Acting.

“When I showed up to the audition, I was sure I would get rejected. Everyone there was a theater major, or at least had a ton of experience, said Frankin. "I think I even saw a Hasty Pudding kid in line.”

The Elephant in the Room: Communists at Harvard

It is not easy being a Communist at Harvard, surrounded by a sea of liberals and abandoned by the tradition of a school once called the “Kremlin on the Charles.” Fear of judgment and misinterpretation causes many Communist students to remain quiet on their political beliefs, or even to align themselves with Massachusetts liberals to appear less radical.     

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Historic Campus Publications Continue Feud Despite Inevitability of Death

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On Saturday, one really, really old student-run publication released its annual parodical version of another really, really old student-run publication, despite the fact that the weighty inevitability of death continued to cast an ominous shadow on all involved. 

Some students chuckled, recognizing the effort that the first publication had gone toward putting together a fake campus newspaper. Indeed, these readers momentarily forgot the inevitable truth that one day the sun will literally explode. 

Harvard Dining Introduces Flavored Food

In addition to the new flavored water machines, students returning to campus after winter break were also greeted by flavored food in many of Harvard’s undergraduate dining halls.

The new food choices are part of Harvard University Dining Services’ efforts to expand beyond the dependable, if one-dimensional, flavor of dry chicken breast, according to HUDS spokesperson Mary Culver.

“We hope to introduce the subtleties of flavor to the masses: earthy depths, smoky edginess, and revolutionary harmonies of taste sensation,” said Culver. “Or just taste in general.”

Something Something First-Generation Students Are Welcome or Whatever

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

Dean Dingman: We're Going To Make OSL The Shit

Dear Harvard College Students, Faculty, and Affiliates,

Scathing Crimson Op-Ed Going to Finally Make the Change

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Late Thursday night Eloise Miller ‘18, a Crimson op-ed writer, put the finishing touches on what she described as “a real doozy.”

“This one is going to really be the one that makes a difference. It’s going to finally wake people up to the real issues on this campus,” Miller stated. “This might be the article that gets me a job at a real paper, like Upworthy or even Buzzfeed.”

Faculty Yankee Swap Ends in Fighting, Tears

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Today the faculty of Harvard College came together to celebrate a non-denominational “Winter Celebration,” which featured a Yankee swap that ended in quarrels and eggnog-fueled sobbing.

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