CAMBRIDGE, MA – Winter is here and cuffing season is upon us. Local police officers are welcoming their favorite time of year with open arms and cuffs at the ready, looking forward to trying new techniques including the fluff and cuff, the cuff and run, and the always enigmatic “Shia LaCuff.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – The Harvard-operated public restrooms in the Smith Campus Center will be relieved of their duties in Spring 2016 after squeezing out over 30 years of service to the Cambridge community, according to Harvard spokesperson Portia Lynne.

“For a long time we were going back and forth, back and forth on this difficult decision,” wrote Lynne in an email, “But eventually everyone was so tense that we decided to take some time to relax before giving the final push this week to plot the last details right into place.”

In light of the recent controversy over the title of Housemaster, Satire V has compiled a list of titles we feel would more suitably capture the essence of the benevolent mastery from the leaders of the houses.

House Keeper

House Khan

House Duke

House Caliph

House Führer

Dr. House

House Hunters

House Overseer

House of Pain

Grand Imperial Wizard

Mom and Dad

Oh captain my captain

Safe-space-maker in chief

House buddy

Mini Faust

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Emerging from a basement meeting late Tuesday night, Northwest Labs building manager Charles E. Brady confirmed that Harvard University’s Board of Overseers voted to preemptively rename the large new building on Oxford Street currently referred to as “Northwest Laboratories.”

1. Empirical and Mathematical Reasoning 60: How to Tell Time on an Analog Clock

On Thursday, the Sandel family’s Thanksgiving meal ended in heated arguments and hard feelings after Michael Sandel, the Anne T. and Robert M. Bass Professor of Government at Harvard University, brought up a number of philosophical quandaries at the dinner table.

The celebration began to go off the rails when the family went around the table to say what they were thankful for this year. When his turn arrived, the political philosopher mused, “Maybe there are some things we shouldn’t be thankful for.”

44 JFK ST., CAMBRIDGE, MA – The graduate board of the Fox Club was forced to take drastic action towards their undergraduate members in recent weeks, resulting in the closure of the clubhouse due to what has been reported as a “cootie outbreak" following the admission of women into the club. This closure comes as a shock after female members were invited to join the club in what has been heralded as an “historic move.”

Quietly snickering after collecting her students’ essays for Aesthetic and Interpretive Understanding 64: The Canterbury Tales, local teaching fellow Judith Klenderman told reporters Monday that she actually doesn’t know the difference between MLA and Chicago citation styles, and “couldn’t care less” which of the styles her students had chosen to use.