Dear whatever,

Thank you so much for taking the time and energy to apply to The Signet. We are so sorry to inform you that unfortunately, you are not a real artist. We sincerely hope that you do not take this as an invalidation of your worth as a person, just of your worth as a creative person. It has been a privilege getting to meet you—through your four-paragraph statement, that one time you came to a fancy lunch, and your “art.”

BENEATH CAMBRIDGE, MA

Cupping the flame of a Yankee Candle with her hand, Faust stumbles down the pitch-black tunnel, the cold echo of her footsteps ringing in her ears. She is trembling, but whether due to temperature or terror, she can’t tell. She knew this would happen, why did she do nothing? She cannot escape her sin. No one can.

“YOU HAVE COME”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a shocking revelation on Monday, an anonymous CS 124 TF disclosed to Satire V that not a single student of last semester's notoriously difficult algorithms class has managed to recover their soul.

“Going into the course, I knew sacrificing my soul was a required component,” remarked Angela Park '17. “But I guess I just assumed it would be given back at the end. I mean, what kind of life is this?”

Nepotism

The Clitoris

Trickle-Down

Diversity 

Foreplay

Party

Harmless

Business-Casual

No

Middle Class

Trust

Anachronism

Bike Room

Secret

Opinion Piece

Probability 

Property

Reservations at the Dorsia

Open door policy

PC Culture

Pork

CAMBRIDGE, MA — A Craigslist ad posted late Thursday night suggests that Harvard is preparing for a strike by Harvard University Dining Services workers. The posting calls for “600 employees with experience in dining service” who “totally won’t just be strikebreakers.”

The current contract between the university and HUDS workers will expire on September 17, and 600 workers are prepared to strike unless the university meets their demands for higher pay and more affordable healthcare.

CAMBRIDGE, MA

*The following is a transcript of secret surveillance footage gathered from the deep underground chamber below Mass Hall.

“UNACCEPTABLE,” roars the Harvard Endowment, globs of crude oil spurting from the corners of its enormous, mangled frown.

A trembling and prostrate Drew Faust shudders at the horrifying sound. She lifts her head up from the cold stone floor, just enough to gaze upon the monstrosity created by the folly of her and generations of predecessors.

CAMBRIDGE, MA--Freshman Move-In Day has come and gone, bringing with it a new wave of eager and naïve first-years, as well as a flood of smiling, t-shirt-wearing, sickeningly sweet upperclassman PAFs, high on the power trip that comes with spending a year as faux proctors.