CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a shocking revelation on Monday, an anonymous CS 124 TF disclosed to Satire V that not a single student of last semester's notoriously difficult algorithms class has managed to recover their soul.

“Going into the course, I knew sacrificing my soul was a required component,” remarked Angela Park '17. “But I guess I just assumed it would be given back at the end. I mean, what kind of life is this?”

After unsuccessfully attempting a depth-first search for their missing vital essences, nearly a hundred students signed a petition for Professor Michael Mitzenmacher to return their souls immediately. Among the students’ stated concerns are their “terrifying, jet-black eyes” and sudden lack of concern for their mothers’ welfare. Mitzenmacher, however, claims he warned students about a potential delay.  

“When students enter my class on day one, what do I say? ‘Taking this class is going to slowly sap your innermost worth and meaning as a human. But you’ll come out ready to run the hell out of Dijkstra’s algorithm!’”

“And I never made any claims that students would regain their souls immediately,” he stressed. “Did these people seriously think we’d return souls on schedule after the egregious lateness of literally every problem set?”

While the majority of now-practically-lifeless CS 124 alumni take issue with their missing souls, some students were pleased with the development. 

“Lacking a soul is actually a prerequisite for CS 161, so I’m psyched!” commented James Leibowitz ’18. “I thought I was going to have to, I don’t know, maim an innocent child or concentrate in economics. This whole thing has been incredibly convenient.”

At press time, Mitzenmacher is reported to have been staring intently into the mirror, admiring his own jet-black eyes.

Image Credits: Virgin Records, Tova Dann