What began as a seemingly perfect date night ended in utter tragedy this past Tuesday night as Kirkland Sophomore Jeremiah Fisler came to the realization that Sarah Silverson, his 27 year-old Sex and the Citizen TF, would not put out – even after two glasses of Kirkland’s finest Chateau Domaine de I’Eglise.

Fisler ensured that his extending an invitation to Silverson was not simply a ploy to bring up his less than satisfactory C- in the class, claiming that he honestly loved Sarah and was honored to be able to spend any time with her, if only for one night.

On Friday, Steve Pilker, graduate student and teaching fellow for Anthropology 145: The Surprising Lives of the Russian Pigeon Stalkers, reportedly led a class section and mistook for a raised hand what was in reality only a clandestine head scratch. After asking an open-ended question regarding the Pigeon Stalkers' unique feather-based writing system, Pilker reportedly began looking in turn at each student in the conference room before latching onto Mike Rogers, a junior whose psoriasis had compelled him to lift a hand above shoulder level.