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Facebook “Primed and Ready” to Hire All Students that Fail GENED1058: Tech Ethics

tech ethics

MENLO PARK, CA – Facebook is turning to alternative recruitment techniques to keep its ranks filled with talent amidst techlash and ethical controversies.

The company’s global head of recruitment, Miranda Kalinowski, details their new campaign in a Facebook post, which appears to be just a screenshot of a Tweet: “Here at Facebook, we realize that grades don’t matter, which is why we are primed and ready to hire any and all students that fail Tech Ethics.”

I, Too, Can Fuck

Mark Zuckerberg

Stop it. Just please stop. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t understand. Please stop talking about how much Jeff Bezos fucks. I don’t even think the nudes are his. I’m not just saying this because the idle thought of staging an elaborate affair and leaking my own nudes to the press occurs to me at least twice daily and four times on Wednesday. What do you mean “the top of the pubic region can be seen”? Jeff Bezos has no pubic hair. Or any hair. Jeff Bezos is a naked mole rat stacked on top of three small children. 

Facebook, You’re Despicable, But Potentially Less So If You Gave Me A Job

Lady typing on laptop
Dear Facebook/Mark Zuckerberg/whom it may concern:
 

Sorry For Not Protecting Your Information, You Dumb Fucks

A clear photo of Mark Zuckerberg against a white background
Dear Facebook community,
 
You may have heard that a political consulting firm associated with Steve Bannon gained access to information from more than 50 million Facebook user profiles. This is a breach of trust. I am sorry for not preventing it, you motherfucking imbeciles who "skimmed" the terms and conditions.
 

Facebook’s “On This Day” Offers Daily Reminder You Were Weird as Fuck in Middle School

a Facebook "On This Day" graphic

THE BLACK HOLE OF THE INTERNET—Reports surfaced on Tuesday that the only real accomplishment of Facebook's "On This Day" feature is offering you a helpful daily reminder that you were weird as fuck in middle school.

Rather than bringing back good memories or reconnecting you with old friends—the feature's intended purposes, probably—all that "On This Day" manages to do is remind you that you used to write Facebook statuses in the third person. You, a moron, would start your posts with verbs.

Heterosexual Male Finally Musters Courage To Use the Facebook Love React

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Despite having avoided the button since its inception out of fear of being seen as emotional, and therefore gay, area straight af dude Brock Stone reacted "Love" to a post on a content aggregator Facebook page earlier today.
 

Man Doesn't Usually Post Political Stuff, But

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a shocking turn of events, Currier House resident Daniel B. Smith ‘19, who describes himself as “usually not the type to post this kind of thing” has regardless decided to post a political message on Facebook anyway. Smith classified his post as “too important to ignore”, noting that “the stakes are simply too high”. He described the issue in his post as “problematic” and called for his friends to “get the word out to as many people as possible”.

Area Mom Excited to Reclaim Facebook Newsfeed Dominance Since Election End

WESTON, MA — After learning the election news cycle has finally died down, local mother Carol Danforth was reported to be eagerly anticipating the opportunity to flood her family and friends' news feeds with life updates and Despicable Me minion quote images.

“It’s been pretty difficult these past few months. Because of all the shared election content over social media, the average likes on my food blog posts and anti-vaccine infographics has gone down from 5 to 3,” said Danforth.

Mouse Sitting Alone in Winthrop Dhall Just Doing Some Work

WINTHROP HOUSE--Area mouse and Winthrop House resident Cheesers McLongtail was spotted sitting alone in the Winthrop dining hall and browsing Facebook on his computer. However, when approached by his friend Gabrielle Young '17, McLongtail claimed he was "just getting some work done before the weekend."

 

Facebook Tired of Being Used, Wants Real Connection

PALO ALTO, CA -– After passing the 1.5 billion users mark and celebrating a dozen years online in the past few months, Facebook solidified its position as the world’s largest social network. However, the website has begun to feel that its many connections, though notable, are disturbingly superficial.

“It’s like I know people, but I don’t know people,” one server communicated via binary. “I want to understand more than just the image my 'friends' put out on social media.”

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