CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following the Porcellian Club’s public statement against coed final clubs, the membership of the Delphic Club are now worrying that their status as Harvard’s least likable final club, long accepted and a point of pride for the organization, may be in doubt.

“Our organization faces an existential crisis,” announced Graduate Board president Thomas H. Greeley ’79 in an internal memorandum to the club’s alumni and members. “Gone are the days when we said we wouldn’t accept ‘a Chinese, or whatever’ or when our initiates pranked Women Appealing for Change and destroyed parking meters. Our basement hasn’t even been called ‘the worst place on campus’ in five years, for God’s sake!”

“Suing the College for renovating a theater was definitely a good try, but given other clubs' responses to the coed question, we now seem downright likable by comparison,” Greeley continued. “With every scandal-free week that goes by, our current membership risks permanently tarnishing the club’s name. We face the very real threat that by 2020, we may live in a world where even your most feminist friends will not judge you for joining the Delphic.”

At press time, Delphic alum Thomas “Tommy D” Dingman ’67 has announced the creation of a special task force intended to destroy the club’s reputation as quickly as possible.