CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In a shocking move, the Porcellian Club broke several centuries of silence to come out in support of the status quo. Graduate Board president Charles M. Storey wrote in an email that present circumstances drove him to make this statement. “This is the first time an officer of the PC has granted an on the record statement to a newspaper since our founding in 1791. We would, ideally, like to return to that time and its social norms.”

Storey’s tone was, at times, severe. “I hope that the Harvard administration will not set a precedent of ‘positive social change,’” Storey wrote. “Such Susan B. Anthonyism will create a campus that is less tolerant toward our club, members, and wealthy white men everywhere.”

While Storey took the very bold stance of “unequivocally” supporting the university’s goal of reducing sexual assault, he questioned whether social progress for a historically disenfranchised population would have an overall positive effect.

Storey also defended the club’s membership make-up, writing that members are “elected without regard to socioeconomic background, religion, national origin, race, or sexual orientation. We’ve got Irish, Jews, gays, and even an Asian.” He added that the Porcellian’s membership “reflects the diversity of the rich, white, male, population of Harvard College.”

“Besides,” Storey wrote, “How can you expect young men who have been entitled to any and all of their desires throughout their lives to simply contain their sexual urges when women are in their presence?”