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Harvard

Club Historian “Just Polishing Up The Lit Review!”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a exec board meeting Friday afternoon, Harvard Close-Up Magic Club leadership was shocked to learn that, after a year on the board, club historian Elmer P. Arlington ’22 has been “hard at work” on a comprehensive literature review all year instead of just twiddling his fuckin’ thumbs.
 
“Yeah we made that position as kind of a joke,” HCUM president Jen T. Poole ’21 said. “Like, what was Elmer going to do, engage in rigorous historical scholarship in an attempt to intervene in current debates about our shared past?”
 

Humanities-Scorning Physics Concentrator Crumples at 250-Word Response Paper

a man is typing

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Previously quoted as calling the Humanities “child’s play”, Physics concentrator Jack Garver ’21 seems to have met his match in a 1-page response paper for his Aesthetics & Culture Gen Ed course.

Pausing from deriding the simplicity of the liberal arts, Garver whined, “This is so unreasonable! I can’t see how they can expect 250 words from us. They didn’t even tell us what to write about! Aren’t Gen Eds supposed to be easy?” 

Which Harvard Dining Hall Are You?

Adams Dining Hall

Today we’re doing a deep dive into your dining psychology. We’re serving a steaming fresh quiz that’ll discover the Harvard D-Hall dwelling within your soul. Are you a quirky Quincy, calculating Cabot, or the unholy product of years of incest known as Kirkland? Today you’ll find out with just a few quick questions:

 

What’s your sign?

A. Virgo

B. “Grill Closed”

C. “Community Dinner | Grab A Meal With Someone You’ve Never Met”

D. “Salad Bar”

Mother Withdraws Son from the College After She Can’t See Emergency Blue Light from Other Emergency Blue Light

Emergency blue light system.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Debbie Nelson P ’23, who had been visiting her son Nick Nelson ’23 for the weekend, came to a halt during a walk on Saturday evening when she realized that she could not see a blue light from the one she and her son were standing next to outside Annenberg.

Area Birdwatcher “Disappointed” by Owl Club Initiation

CAMBRIDGE, MA – An area birdwatcher was reportedly “disappointed” by this past Thursday’s Owl Club initiation, citing their profound lack of owls as his main complaint. The disappointment concludes what had already been a stressful punch process for the forty-year-old avian enthusiast, who has since dropped the club after learning that middle-aged birdwatchers are not its primary demographic.

Please Don't Fuck Us

Harvard turkey

Dear Harvard Community,

It’s Great that HUPD’s Urgent Line is Down and HUHS is Closed Because I’ve Always Wanted to Experience the Purge

the purge

CAMBRIDGE, MA- It’s finally happening. Harvard is descending into a state of lawlessness like we’ve never seen before. Sure, we’ve challenged a few authorities, removed some house deans, and protested against President Bacow. But all of these courses of action fall squarely in the realm of civil disobedience. Key word: civil.  

I Comped the Harvard A Capella Groups So You Don’t Have To, and It’s Nothing Like “Pitch Perfect”

an a capella group peforms.

Have you ever wanted to participate in a uber mysterious impromptu a capella competition that takes place at an undisclosed location at the bottom of an empty pool? Or maybe, compete against zany characters in a nationally recognized a capella television show? Do you want your best friend to be Ben Platt? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re out of luck, because Harvard’s a capella groups don’t include any of these things. You are thinking about the movie “Pitch Perfect.” A movie which is fucking awesome.

DHalls Hate Him! This Student Lost Half His Body Weight Eating Only FlyBy

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Area student Jackson Jones ‘19 reported losing a jaw-dropping 153-pounds after the new class schedule forced him to survive only on FlyBy sandwiches.

 

When asked for the source of his success, Jones said, “Well, before the new schedule I could eat a balanced meal in my hour lunch breaks, but with just fifteen minutes for lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the burden of full stomachs became a thing of the past!”

Exhausted and Confused Student Finally Completes “1000 Shabbat: One Man, 1000 Shabbats”

After eating his 1000th challah, blessing his 1000th cup of wine, and lighting his 2000th candle, David Schneiderman finally completed 1000 consecutive Shabbats, each one held directly after the other.

In what has turned out to be a simple mix-up-switcheroo, Schneiderman mistook the banner for annual thousand-person campus event “Shabbat 1000” to read “1000 Shabbat.” As Schneiderman explained, this led him to believe the name implied the tagline “One man, 1000 Shabbats.”

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