For the newest installment of Where They Stand, your trusted SatireV pollsters did a survey to see where key campus figures stand on how Harvard should change the grading policy in light of the COVID pandemic and students working from home. Scroll through to see the results.

Department heads

Economics DUS Jeffrey Miron: The faculty have decided that giving grades takes too much time out of their precious research calendar, so we’re suspending all grading requirements indefinitely.

Computer Science DUS Stephen Chong: [Confused by the question; didn’t notice students had disappeared because they never go to lecture anyway]

Biomedical Engineering DUS Daniel Needleman: [Not available to comment; working on groundbreaking vaccine]

Classics DUS David Elmer: [Not available to comment; working on groundbreaking meta-analysis of South Slavic oral epic poetry]

Ethnic Studies DUS: [Not available to comment; doesn’t exist]

Student groups

Undergraduate Council: Convened to discuss the issue, but the whole 40 minute time period (yes, they all use free Zoom accounts) was taken up by a procedural debate over amending the constitution to allow meetings to take place over Zoom in the first place.

Premeds: 100% support for a universal A system among students currently taking orgo; 100% support for no change to the grading system among students who have already taken orgo.

Athletes: Instead of changing grading guidelines, can I just take Greek Hero for four of my classes?

Administration

University President, Lawrence S. Bacow: Expressed no position on the issue, citing his busy schedule of visiting high schools and taking lonely jogs along the Charles. As he was filling out the questionnaire, Bacow wondered aloud “why anyone in their right mind would expect the president of the university to take any positions on day-to-day administrative issues.”

Image credit: The Harvard Crimson