For the newest installment of Where They Stand, your trusted SatireV pollsters did a survey to see where key campus figures stand on how Harvard should change the grading policy in light of the COVID pandemic and students working from home. Scroll through to see the results.

Department heads

Economics DUS Jeffrey Miron: The faculty have decided that giving grades takes too much time out of their precious research calendar, so we’re suspending all grading requirements indefinitely.

by Larry Bacow

Remember that super ugly hole in the ground in the yard? You may have seen the sign marking the hole an “archaeological dig site” but don’t be deceived, fool! I only had that sign there to trick the students into drilling for oil. That’s right. For once, I decided to invest in you, the students, to build me an oil farm. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA- With the 2018-19 academic year drawing to a close, President Larry Bacow announced that undergraduate students’ remaining BoardPlus will be invested in the prison industrial complex—Every penny not spent on soy lattes and muffins will be directed toward the containment and dehumanization of human beings.

O fair citizens of Harvard Yard!
O munificent donors in woolen garb!
I am but a poor, mumps-ridden wretch, but today is a blessed day for me and all who congregate at this educational institution!

Gaze at the faire chair setup! Look upon the beauteous banners! Attune your ears to the lilting lutes on this luscious lawn! How sweet to be here on this morn!

Come one, come all! Rejoice in the festivities for our dearest, fearlessest leader!

Do not dawdle, make haste!