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Larry Bacow Invests Your Leftover BoardPlus Into The Prison Industrial Complex

"My generosity is never ending"

CAMBRIDGE, MA- With the 2018-19 academic year drawing to a close, President Larry Bacow announced that undergraduate students’ remaining BoardPlus will be invested in the prison industrial complex—Every penny not spent on soy lattes and muffins will be directed toward the containment and dehumanization of human beings.

When asked to defend his decision to support the prison industrial complex, Bacow reportedly said, “It was between this, big tobacco, puppy mills and those garment sweatshops in developing nations where women lose their fingers in machines and never get bathroom breaks, as those are the only kinds of companies with which I am familiar,” adding, “I’m basically a hero.”

Upon hearing where his leftover BoardPlus would go, Phillip Wendall, a social studies concentrator in Winthrop, frantically went to the grill and ordered, “a fuck ton of mozzarella sticks” and “as much chocolate milkshake as will fit in my laundry basket.” Suffering from sudden onset gout, Wendall bravely stated, “Advocacy comes at a cost.” 

Sources say that Sheila Le, a physics concentrator in Adams, similarly made an admirable attempt to use up her BoardPlus. Le reportedly entered Barker Café and bought sixty packages of yogurt covered raisins. She then distributed them on the corner of Quincy St. and Harvard St., screaming “If you don’t take these waxy raisins, you’re complicit in federally-endorsed, modern slavery!”

Anthony Werner, who has not purchased so much as a single cup of coffee all year, reportedly took an impressively efficient route to eliminating his balance. Werner went into Lamont Café, approached the barista and said, “I’d like to buy an armchair.” Despite denying his request, the barista, impressed by Werner’s audacity, made him a free cappuccino.

Though it has not yet been confirmed, sources predict leftover Crimson Cash will be invested in fossil fuels.

© 2019