SatV Print FINAL MAR 8, 2023.pdf

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On this year’s annual Housing Day, Harvard College will be giving first year students a housing assignment of either “Emergency Quad” or “Emergency Unquad,” or QEM/UEM, according to emails sent by Dean of Undergraduate Education Amanda J. Claybaugh and Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences Claudine Gay. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– The desirability of river houses compared to the Quad is widely recognized by Harvard students within weeks of beginning freshman year. However, despite overwhelming evidence of the Quad’s inferiority, recent investigations have found that it is possible for a delusional mindset to set in following Housing Day; some students, such as newly-minted Pforzheimer resident Eliza Elliott ’19, actually believe they are pleased to be there.

By Cognitive Dissonance

Here we go. The big day. I know I’m supposed to be really excited, but I just can’t seem to get myself into the right mood. I have a midterm tomorrow; I’m horrified of getting a bad housing assignment; and I’m going to have to labor endlessly within the subconscious of most of the freshman class. You could say I’m pretty stressed out.

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- Over the past few days, the 2016 Lowell Housing Day video filming has turned sour.

“I signed up to be in the video because I thought it would build house spirit,” a tearful Amanda Burnes ‘18 reported. “But the director is horrible. He made us do, like, sixty different takes of me opening the door.”

Cambridge, MA--Harvard College has been rocked by sectarian violence in the aftermath of Housing Day, a holy day for many who attend the college. Taking effect next year, a Freshman Dean's Office-Ad Board joint treaty will divide members of the freshman class into more "sustainable" boundaries, letting close ethnic blocking groups share portions of lands surrounding the Yard--the College's shared central region. Some groups feel, however, that they were given less valuable lands for no apparent reason. 

As housing season heats up, freshman aren’t the only ones quibbling over the quadrangle.

After arriving home from squash practice Friday evening, triple legacy and favorite son Henry Prescott-Weld threw off his Barbour jacket and sighed heavily.  His team, the Feildsdale Cavaliers, had just won districts, but Henry‘s mind was on other things while “at sport.”