CAMBRIDGE, MA -- On this year’s annual Housing Day, Harvard College will be giving first year students a housing assignment of either “Emergency Quad” or “Emergency Unquad,” or QEM/UEM, according to emails sent by Dean of Undergraduate Education Amanda J. Claybaugh and Dean of the Faculty of Arts and Sciences Claudine Gay. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA -– The desirability of river houses compared to the Quad is widely recognized by Harvard students within weeks of beginning freshman year. However, despite overwhelming evidence of the Quad’s inferiority, recent investigations have found that it is possible for a delusional mindset to set in following Housing Day; some students, such as newly-minted Pforzheimer resident Eliza Elliott ’19, actually believe they are pleased to be there.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - With news disseminating across campus that a bomb threat had been received by Harvard administrators, many students felt scared, nervous, and unsure where to turn. Although law enforcement evacuated several buildings in the Yard, residents of the Radcliffe Quadrangle claim to have felt largely ignored during the commotion.

As housing season heats up, freshman aren’t the only ones quibbling over the quadrangle.

After arriving home from squash practice Friday evening, triple legacy and favorite son Henry Prescott-Weld threw off his Barbour jacket and sighed heavily.  His team, the Feildsdale Cavaliers, had just won districts, but Henry‘s mind was on other things while “at sport.” 

This morning Undergraduate Council President Tara Raghuveer congratulated the student representatives of the UC for “winning back weekend shuttles for all students,” though she conspicuously did not mention the UC’s failure to stop the near constant bloodshed in Iraq.

“This is what happens when you demand relevance!” shouted Raghuveer joyously, as the Shia and Sunnis of Fallujah looked upon each other as deadly insurgents instead of countrymen.