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Area Man Calls Up Local Friends Ahead of Trip to Quad

CAMBRIDGE, MA-–Lowell House Senior Aaron Smith phoned several individuals living in the Radcliffe Quad today to let them know he would be visiting the Quad the following weekend.

“Dude, you’ll never guess where I’m going to be on the 30th,” Smith reportedly said to friend Gregory Li ’17 during one of these phone calls. “I’m going to be in the Quad! We’re going to be like right next to each other. Will you be in town?”

NASA Launches New Quad Shuttle Program

WASHINGTON, DC -- This week, travel to and from the outer rims of the galaxy far, far away in Sector 441, otherwise known as the Radcliffe Quadrangle, might not take so long.

After consulting with the Peter Pan Express, NASA has decided to shave off flight time by skipping the second star to the right and directly going straight on ’til morning. The new flight plan will still launch and land at the same sites on both the planet Earth and the Quad.

Winthrop Shuttle Extension To Take Riders Straight To Hell

CAMBRIDGE, MA--- This Sunday, the Harvard Office of Transportation And Parking officially launched an initiative to expand shuttle routes to include a “safe, convenient, and reliable” passage to the eternal fires of Hades.

According to M2 administrators, the Winthrop shuttle, which already operates every fortnight under the blood-red moon, was the logical candidate for the route extension.

UC Gets Weekend Morning Quad Shuttles, Fails To End Ethnic Violence in Iraq

This morning Undergraduate Council President Tara Raghuveer congratulated the student representatives of the UC for “winning back weekend shuttles for all students,” though she conspicuously did not mention the UC’s failure to stop the near constant bloodshed in Iraq.

“This is what happens when you demand relevance!” shouted Raghuveer joyously, as the Shia and Sunnis of Fallujah looked upon each other as deadly insurgents instead of countrymen.