CAMBRIDGE, MA – In an unprecedented cooperative front, the College Board has officially paired with the Harvard University Admissions Office to announce a new holistic SAT format with only one question, “If your parents’ income was represented in miles, how many miles do your parents make per year?”

This partnership appears to address some of the major concerns identified in the admissions lawsuit against Harvard.

The person who submitted this has asked to remain anonymous.

By A Distraught Cabot Resident

It all began when I noticed its new pair of premium rubber Harley-Davidson tires and Guy Fieri flame decals, but now it’s actively redirecting me to Chameleon Tattoo & Body Piercing in the Garage. I might be crazy, but my I think my red Razor A6 is having a midlife crisis.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Previously quoted as calling the Humanities “child’s play”, Physics concentrator Jack Garver ’21 seems to have met his match in a 1-page response paper for his Aesthetics & Culture Gen Ed course.

Pausing from deriding the simplicity of the liberal arts, Garver whined, “This is so unreasonable! I can’t see how they can expect 250 words from us. They didn’t even tell us what to write about! Aren’t Gen Eds supposed to be easy?” 

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS – Debbie Nelson P ’23, who had been visiting her son Nick Nelson ’23 for the weekend, came to a halt during a walk on Saturday evening when she realized that she could not see a blue light from the one she and her son were standing next to outside Annenberg.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – An area birdwatcher was reportedly “disappointed” by this past Thursday’s Owl Club initiation, citing their profound lack of owls as his main complaint. The disappointment concludes what had already been a stressful punch process for the forty-year-old avian enthusiast, who has since dropped the club after learning that middle-aged birdwatchers are not its primary demographic.